Michelle Obama's Portrait Unveiled

First lady Michelle Obama's official portrait was released Friday by the White House, a month after her husband's came out. The first lady is wearing a black . . . . Oh wait, I just remembered. I don't give a shit.

Nip Tuck

I have at least four Nip Tucks on my DVR. I'm catching up tonight. I used to be much more in love with the show. The subject matter is always over the top but it's somewhat lacking this season.

For instance, in the episode I just watched, the doctors (Sean & Christian) lamented the loss of their lesbian anesthesiologist who realized she was in love with Christian, the hetero sex addict plastic surgeon for whom she worked. Sean, Christian's partner, then found himself interviewing a hot, tattooed anesthesiologist that would only work for him if she could 'really be who she was'. He then proceeded to find out just who she was. Just in case you were wondering, she was a whore.

Meanwhile they had a yogi patient that wanted a penis reduction because he was obsessed with sucking his own dick. After hearing that, a celebrity client of theirs broke his own neck trying extra hard to suck his dick just as well. Yaawwwnn.

Christian, the sex addict plastic surgeon, was conflicted about whether or not to inject his infant granddaughter with Botox or Collagen so she could become a child model. In the meantime, it was made clear that many physicians do actually perform these procedures on toddlers. He chose the moral high ground and did not perform any procedures on his granddaughter. Thankfully, he did appropriately chastise the baby's porn star mother.

It may be time to examine why I'm attracted to all of these fucked up shows. How 'bout lets not and say I did. Deal?

ask the Answer Bitch!

OMG. I just realized that some other bitch has my dream job. Yes, it's true. Apparently I am the under acheiver. Her blog is HERE. It's not even funny. And she has a new book out, The A-List Playbook, where she divulges dirty little secrets like . . . . skinny celebrities don't eat. no fucking shit? I bet the next secret she shares is that Britney and Jamie Lynn were scheduled to be implanted with birth control but something went terribly wrong; Pamela's tits are fake and Mickey Rourke is gay.

Woman's Face Ripped Off by Pet Chimp

You've probably heard about this story. It's horrific. Watch the entire video just so you can get Sandra's whole story. The 911 call is especially disturbing.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

And by disturbing, I mean that the 911 operator was a freaking idiot. "What's wrong with your friend" . . "He's killing her" . . . "OK, what's the problem?". And then he was like, "Yeaahhh right, your chimpanzee is killing your friend." A touch condescending, doncha think?

Also, does it look like Travis has a diaper on? He can drive, use the computer and model but he can't figure out how to use a toilet? That seems a little suspicious to me.

Sandra has had a rough time. Her husband died 5 years ago then her daughter was killed in an auto accident and now her beloved chimpanzee/son ripped off the face of her best friend. That's some fucked up karma right there. What are the chances she hangs on much longer?

On a lighter note, she looks pretty good for 70. And quick on her feet too. I have a feeling she has laced tea with Xanax before, no?

P.S. I have since read that Travis could not only use the toilet but could drink from a wine glass. Now its sounding suspicious but in a totally different way.

You can't eat it, you can't fuck it and it won't get you into heaven

That was Mickey Rourke's response to Bahbwa WaWa when she asked him what winning the Oscar would mean to him. (I'm just watching it tonight) OK, so now I love him. Mangled face, silver tooth, gay outfits and all. I feel bad for making fun of him and his chihuahua, Loki, who died after 18 years. His dogs truly kept him alive. And I totally understand that because if he had had children during that time in his life he definitely would have killed himself.

Hugh Jackman was voted 2008's sexiest man alive by People magazine. It was rumored he was gay even before I brought it up. I thought I was being original but hellooooo. . . . . his kids are ADOPTED!! OMG, gay gay gay gay. so cute. but gay. Just another example of the liberal mainstream media saying whatever the hell they want regardless of the truth. i.e. OBAMA. Media is talking out its butt about someone they know nothing about. Blah blah blah blah.

At least Mickey seems true to himself, you know? I have been identifying with various celebrities this week (not too much diff from other weeks). I admire Mickey for putting himself out there knowing people are going to make fun of him. He's not stupid; he knows what people are going to say: he obviously doesn't care. Again, I am reminded of myself. Why does everything remind me of myself???

It has been a big step for me to put my blog out there for anyone to read. Beyond my mother and my husband. There is just something about putting your shit out there and saying "here it is!". Don't like it? Oh, Well. Like it? Oh, well.

You can't put any more stock in people that like you versus people who don't. I think I am finally comfortable saying whatever I want and knowing that those who love me won't love me or leave me based on what I say in my blog. Everyone in my life is totally stuck with me by now.

Natalie Portman Rap

Natalie Portman is a vegan, which I love. She's mostly all shy and quiet when she's interviewed, kind of like me. I wish I could pull off a short hair cut like that but I think I'd have to be much more petite not to look like a lesbian. I'm a little envious she got to do this rap video. Can't you just see me in her place? We're like peas in a pod, me and Natalie.

warning: this video is very crude. don't watch it if you have delicate sensibilities.

p.s. When I mentioned to my husband the subject of this blog he had this blank look when I made the comparison to Natalie and myself. Fuck him.

p.s.s. Love you honey : )

I was able to embed this video at first but now it's been disabled. So check it out HERE.

Live From the Red Carpet

It's a good thing I wasn't invited to any Oscar parties turned down all those Oscar party invites. It affords me the opportunity to sit and watch, laptop at the ready, giving you my immediate reactions and observations. Otherwise, I would have been drinking and having fun and chatting. Now I'm just drinking. typing. drinking. typing. I've banished my children to the upper chambers and I'm enjoying a bottle glass of Jacobs Creek Reserve. Yes, that's right. Reserve. I usually drink the regular cheap cheap Jacobs Creek but tonight definitely calls for the Reserve.

If I don't publish my observations tonight then tomorrow they will seem (accurately so) completely irrelevant. So here goes.

Anne Hathaway is a true fashionista. I imagine I would be like her if I were 6 inches taller and an actress.

Mickey Rourke, 56, was still extremely disturbing. Although well spoken, he sported a Loki charm of his deceased 18 yr old chihuahua around his neck. My bad. I didn't realize he was gay.

You gotta love Sohpia Loren but it's time she stay home. She's not doing herself any favors.

Marisa Tomei, 43, is my idol. Nominated for best supporting actress for playing a stripper in The Wrestler, she is amazing. She didn't win the award but she won my heart.

Brad & Angie. Of course, I love them both but does she own any other style of dress?

Kate Winslet, The Reader, lovely as ever. I also imagine myself as her if I were a famous actress. She seems very 'real'.

Does anyone really like Beyonce's clothing line? I feel like it's a secret joke Hollywood is playing on us. One day we'll show up in those god awful outfits and everyone will scream "SUUUCKERRRR!"

Why is Jessica Beil at the Oscars. Did I miss something?

I love Robert Downey Jr. He looks amazing after all those yrs of hard living.

Josh Brolin and Diane Lane. It's like looking in a mirror. Me and Chad.

I thought Sarah Jessica left her troll of a husband. He's headed for Broadway. Heeellloooo. He's gay.

Taraji P Henson. supporting actress for Benjamin Button. Don't know who she is but she is so cute!

All of you Botox naysayers, did you notice how many of the stars have obviously had it?! Young, old and in between. So There! And I really don't want to hear anything about how I'm not a movie star so why am I comparing myself to them. Fuck you. That's what I say to that. I am a star in my own movie every g*damn day.

I thought Hugh Jackman was hot until he started dancing around like a fag. Disappointing.

WTF. I just noticed Mickey has a silver tooth. Every time he starts to redeem himself I'm struck by yet another fucked up thing about him. Disturbing. Who advises him?

Now I can't decide if I'd rather be Kate Winslet or Tina Fey.

When you watch these shows are you bored? Envious? Happy with exactly where you are in your life? Does it effect you a little, a lot, or not at all. I think I have been more apt to compare myself in my later years. When I was young it seemed like I still had a chance. But as everyone gets older it seems like something really unfair is going on. Nonetheless, I am comforted by the fact that I don't need/desire accolades from millions of people. I am quite happy with myself and my life.

The only thing I require is that my children do the "Hi Mom" thing when they are being interviewed after a game, play or recital.

I felt bad for Jen A up there. I can't imagine anything worse than standing before Brad and Angelina and their 50 kids. I think I would do the honorable thing and stab myself with my sword. Bravo to her for giving it an outstanding effort though.

Sank you, sank you, sank you belly much. Domo arigato. mista robato.

If you didn't get that then you weren't watching. But thanks for checking in. xo

25 Random Things About Me

I'm not so sure about Facebook yet but apparently I have too much time on my hands so I participated in this . . . . I don't want to type it again here or even cut and paste it. So just check it out HERE if you are interested. I know you are.

p.s. I realized, after the fact, that you couldn't actually read the 25 fabulous random facts about me without logging in to Facebook and already being my 'friend'. Yet, there was no one who mentioned that so maybe you're not reading everything! ?#@ . Again, too much time on my hands. here it is.

1. I never went to kindergarten. That might explain why I don't always play well with others.

2. I love to drink wine.

3. I love to cook and collect cook books.

4. I love to hang out in book stores when I have nothing better to do. Or when I have lots better things to do.

5. I love reality television. They should put my shit on TV.

6. I love blue cheese more than anyone else on the planet. Really. I challenge you to prove me wrong.

7. My husband is from Oklahoma but we didn't date until after we had both moved to California and met up again. He is the love of my life.

8. I've been spending way too much time on Facebook lately; mainly because I'm avoiding housework. Not because I find you all fascinating.

9. I don't have to wash my hair every day. It looks fabulous for days!! At least that's what I tell myself. Plus, I look really cute in a ball cap.

10. I volunteered to get Botox at an event that was showcasing different cosmetic procedures. I looovvveeed it!! I look fucking fabulous!!

11. I have the cheapest and best cleaning lady EVER. She comes and cleans for 4 hours a week and I only have to pay her $50! Yes, she is a US citizen and speaks English!! Now you know why I can spend all this time of Facebook.

12. I am a foster parent to sick babies.

13. Just kidding. Just wanted to see if you're still paying attention.

14. I am surprisingly excited to go to my 20 yr high school reunion considering I was pretty depressed all those years.

15. I can never resist pizza. good pizza. mediocre pizza. shitty pizza. all pizza. it's a problem.

16. I kissed a girl twice once. and I liked it.

17. I leg pressed 260 lbs today.

18. I hate to get flowers on holidays and anniversaries. Too cliche.

19. I have a French Bulldog that snorts and farts all the time. I love it.

20. Lord have mercy. this is boring.

21. If anyone actually reads this whole list then you have to comment.

22. I love to swear.

23. I have the cutest, smartest children ever. I know everyone says that but, come on, that's just bullshit. I can't even stand half the kids I come into contact with.

24. I'm allergic to the sun. Seriously. And not in the same way I'm allergic to housework. I'm really allergic to the sun. It gives me hives.

25. I have no idea how I ended up with so many friends on Facebook. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

My Blog is Experiencing a Downturn

This is just a warning, to those who give a shit, that my blog may be focusing (for a short time) more on the superficial than the spiritual. I am finding comfort in cursing and making fun of people. I'm not proud of it. I would not recommend it. But that's what I'm doing. Like it or not. Read it or don't.

I was really surprised when I did a little research and found that the movie 9 1/2 Weeks came out in 1986. Lord knows I feel old as it is, but I did not realize that I was only 15 yrs old when this movie came out. It made a BIG impression on me and my sexual development. If only in my mind. And, thankfully, my mind was the only thing that was active at that time.


So, here comes the disturbing part. Have you seen Mickey Rourke lately? He's nominated for an Oscar but he's a fucking mess. Holy Fuck is he hard to look at. That's it. I'm just disturbed. I can't believe I had fantasies about this man. It's just all fucked up.

More Videos

These are for all those Lucy fans out there who just can't get enough. More of the same singing; a little less polished than the last post. She needs to learn some new songs : ) There's one at the very bottom of the boys when they first unpacked all of their Ebay legos. They don't seem quite as comfortable on camera as Little Miss Lucy.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star


You Are My Sunshine


ABC 's


Mary had a Little Lamb


Ebay Legos for Christmas

Mystery Solved

I know we've all said it . . . . what the hell could have happened to those f*#!ng socks?? Well, guess where we found these babies?

My dryer was taking about 3 times longer to dry clothes than it should so, on a hunch, I asked my dear husband to check out the vent thing that shoots all the dryer steam outside. Lo and behold, he stuck his hand in and pulled out SOCKS. They had been sucked out of the dryer into the vent thingy and it was all clogged up! Holy Crap!! Just imagine all those socks that have been sucked right out of the house and sent flying up to sock heaven. What happens to them? They could be picked up by a neighboring dog, a stray cat, a squirrel or some wandering, crazed housewife who has finally reached her limit with mismatched socks.

Personally, I have found some comfort in this. I am not crazy. There is a black hole and it's stealing my socks.

My Little Stars

You are My Sunshine (Lucy, 2.8 yrs)


Twinkle Twinkle Little Star


Hank playing hockey. He's #25 ( 6.75 yrs)


Sam (8yrs) playing basketball. He's #8 in a purple shirt, pants w/white stripe.

3 Bite Rule

Have you heard of the 3 bite rule? Mireille Guiliano talks about it in her book, French Women Don't Get Fat. She says if you want to indulge in something, limit yourself to three bites and then move on. In three bites you've experienced it.

Another webiste says something similiar: The first bite of something is the best, the second confirms it, and the third is to be savored. After that it's all downhill.

Makes sense to me. I'm definitely going to keep it in mind. I am still tracking all of my food through Weight Watchers and know those bites add up. Like those 55 bites of nachos the other day. Nachos with ground sirloin, queso, black beans, sour cream, cheese, pico and lots of love. I enjoyed every single bite. I looked up the WW points when I got home and found it was worth 31 points. Basically all my extra points for the whole week. My daily points are only 22. Will I choose the nachos again? Maybe not.

Big sigh. I love WW. It's a great way to gauge what you're really eating. Learn to prioritize. Honestly, I'm surprised I don't weigh 300 pounds. I LOVE TO EAT AND DRINK WINE. It's definitely my escape. My guaranteed feel good moment of the day. When you are tracking your food/points you do question how good that food or wine is really going to make you feel.

Would I rather be thin? Or would I rather be fat, happy and have big boobs. I think all who know me know the answer to that.

Cardboard Box

I don't know why I'm still surprised at how much fun kids can have with a cardboard box. Henry and Lucy have been fighting over this box all day. Henry sat inside, decorating for quite a while. As soon as he went upstairs Lucy promptly jumped in and did a little coloring of her own (including her lips if you look closely). As I type, Henry is trying to get it up the stairs so he can hide it away from Lucy. He may just ruin it in the process.

This is Sam's contribution to the inside of the box. His attempt at trickery. After he wrote that he ran up to my room and locked the door so Henry wouldn't find him.

Sam has spent the day trying to get away from Henry. Henry has spent it trying to get away from Lucy. And I've been trying to get away from all of them. Hmmmmm. . . . perhaps I should brush up on my mothering skills. Whatever. It's almost time for wine. Tomorrow is another day!!

I LOVE Reality TV

Much to my chagrin, I must admit, I love reality TV. A new season has begun and I am filled with giddy anticipation each time I pull up my DVR list. First on the list of shows that I know I shouldn't watch but can't help myself is Bromance. This is an idiotic show about a bunch of guys vying to be Brody Jenner's friend. His BRO. Not a romance. But a BROmance. It is just about the gayest concept for a show except for the fact that Brody Jenner is unbelievably fucking hot.



Second on the list is a spin off from the MTV show The Hills, which I never watched. Nonetheless, I am oddly drawn to this show, The City, starring Whitney Port. I'm almost as attracted to her as I am to my new found BRO.

















Thirdly, there is sweet Jason, the single dad who was totally screwed over by last season's bachelorette, DeAnna. He was previously married to some whore that left him with his adorable son Ty. He is devoted to his son yet can't find love. WTF?? Now he's looking for love on The Bachelor amongst 25 new whores. Good Luck, Jason.

There are even more that I am following but not worth mentioning. Let me know if you have any favorites or have a book that might capture my attention even more : )

Mama, I NEEEEED YOU!!

Multiple times a day, my sweet 2.75 yr old Lucy, utters the words, "Mama, I NEEEED YOOOUUU!". Perhaps utter is not the right word. Sometimes she bellows. whines. cries. screams. Rarely does she whisper.

Busy with something, I usually respond with, "WHAT do you need, Lucy?" I need YOU, Mama." "Ok, but what do you NEED?" I need YOOOUU!!!!" Sometimes, she calls from the couch as she's watching Dora. Sometimes she yells at me from upstairs. Sometimes she comes to me while I'm on the computer with her arms stretched up as far as they'll go. Half the time I give a big SIGH and say, "Ok, Lucy, you've got me. Now what." "I just need you, Mama," she says as she lays her sweet cheek on my shoulder. Now, if that's not enough to melt me, I don't know what is.

Lucy is my reminder that NOW is the most important time of all. She basically beats me over the head with the fact that all she really needs is ME. Just Me. Now. She doesn't care if the kitchen is clean or if all the laundry is done. She doesn't care if there are dust bunnies and dog hair under the couch. She doesn't care if I'm skinny or have on make up. She just needs ME. To be present. NOW.

It's so easy to get caught up in all the daily STUFF. Just trying to get it all done. For what? So I can do it again tomorrow? So I can feel like I DID something??

This year, I resolve to pay more attention to when my children and husband need ME and focus less on what STUFF I think I need to get done in order to feel like I accomplished something today. I will spend less time on the computer and more time cuddling. I will watch less TV and read more with my children. I will try to enjoy playing that hockey game the boys got for Christmas even though I suck at it. I will have more sex. Yes, that's what I said.

What are you going to do this year?

Batter Blaster Makes Breakfast a Blast!

Soon after I wrote my post about making more pancakes for my lovelies, lo and behold, I stumbled upon the Batter Blaster at Sam's Club. It's organic and contains no trans fats or high fructose corn syrup. Semi-healthy pancakes from a pressurized can? Too good to be true, I thought. It came in a pkg of three so it was a gamble. Winner, winner, chicken dinner!! As of today, I have gone through two cans and am quickly on my way through the third. Everyone loves them!

The batter is really thin so I have to make the cakes small so I can flip them easily but that's what I usually do anyway.

What? You say you want pancakes for breakfast? Shake, spray, flip and WAH LAH, pancakes!! The votes are in. I'm the best mom they've ever had.

Life is Short. Life is now.

A women that I knew through neighborhood parties, said hi to in the grocery store and, from the outside, lived a life very similar to mine, passed away last night. She was 39, had three children and a wonderful husband and although seemingly healthy, was diagnosed with leukemia less than 8 months ago.

I had heard about her diagnosis through the grapevine and ran into her in Target once after that. She looked fine to me. I expressed my concern and chatted for maybe a minute. Now she's dead. She's dead with three children at home that are the same age as mine and will grow up without a mother.

I did not follow her condition and heard this morning that she would not live through the weekend. I came home today and read all of the Caring Bridge posts over the last 7 months. I am now intimately aware of how horrific and yet hopeful the last 7 months of her life were. There was such an amazing outpouring of love and support from her family and friends. I feel guilty that I read it all after the fact and did nothing myself to help her or express my support. My heart and entire body aches for her and for her family.

Today I hugged my husband a little tighter and my children a little longer. I lay with my 2 year old at bedtime and she gave me sweet kisses in the dark. I have no idea if my life will be short or long. What I do know is all I have is NOW and I want to make the most of it. I want it to be on purpose. I think I will finally read the book that is referenced in the prior post. And, of course, make more pancakes.

Just Like Any Other Day . . . but with more pancakes

My mother bought me a book awhile ago called Life is a Verb: 37 days to Wake Up, Be Mindful and Live Intentionally. I was familiar with it from a very well written and inspirational blog she introduced to me. The premise is, basically, what would you do if you knew you had only 37 days to live. This is based upon a life experience of the author which you can read about on her blog. My description would pale in comparison. It's a great blog. Check it out.

So, I finally read just the introduction of the book a few weeks ago. After asking the 37 days question she wrote about many responses. One response that I haven't been able to get out of my head went something like (I'm paraphrasing because I have dogs and children in my lap), "the same thing as every other day but with more pancakes".

My children often ask for pancakes for breakfast in the morning before school. My usual response is something along the lines of, "I don't have time, I have lunches to pack; I don't want to mess up the kitchen; How about cereal this morning and pancakes on the weekend?" But ever since I read that intro in the book I have not been able to refuse them pancakes. The truth is, the time it takes me to whip up the pancakes does not compare to the smiles on their faces and the knowing that they are going to school with full bellies, smelling of syrup. I hope that they will remember the pancakes and not necessarily the fact that they were embarrassed that I wore my pajamas to the bus stop.

365 days?

It's December 2. I'm not a big fan of New Year's resolutions yet it is that time of year when one starts to think of such things. It is quite possibly spurred by that turkey, gravy, dressing, coconut cream pie coma that I'm just coming out of. I can't seem to get the healthy, fit & balanced mantra out of my head during these last days of 2008. That is a good thing. If only it would stick.

And you? What is playing in your head? Are you thinking of all you can eat or drink during the month of December because you are going to resolve to lose it in 2009? Don't kid yourself, compadre. Are you too stressed about gift giving to think about next year's resolutions? Don't stress. Giving should be purely about joy, not obligation (although I strongly disapprove of the word 'should'). I am proud to have eliminated that stress from my life. I love to give and that is the only reason I do it. If nothing jumps out at me to give you then, well, you probably won't get anything.

I've been toying with the idea of resolving to post something every day during 2009. I love to write. It is a great outlet for me. I wouldn't want it to be a chore. However, sometimes those types of challenges are necessary for growth. I've also been thinking about a real resolution to be a vegetarian in the new year. That would be a great challenge and something I truly believe in. I think it would be the perfect thing to take me outside of my comfort zone. It's not really a challenge if it's not outside your comfort zone, right?

I would love to hear the resolutions that would push you outside of your comfort zone.

I am also really excited about the new Bachelor starting January 5!!! Totally in my comfort zone. I will snack on only vegetarian snacks while I watch it : )