Sunday, December 12, 2010


It's obvious I haven't posted in awhile. I am officially taking an extended hiatus.....for many reasons. I won't say just yet that I'm done with this blog but that is what I'm thinking. I have all but three readers so it's not like this is earth shattering news or that I can't tell you myself next time I talk to you. But there it is. Sayonara for now, compadres!! It's been real.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Versatile Blogger

Connie, my mom, has awarded me this award:

To accept this award I have to:

* reveal 7 truths about myself
* select 7 blogs that I would like to share the award with

So here are my seven truths:

1. I like to swear. A lot. I always have and I don't know why, but I do. Besides the occasional outburst , I do a decent job of not swearing in front of my kids. As long as they don't fuck up we're in pretty good shape.

2. I am immensely blessed and eternally grateful for my healthy, beautiful family.

3. I am a procrastinator.

4. I never played sports but wished I had. I know, I know, it's never to late. STFU.

5. I love nifty electronic gadgets. iPad, iPod Touch, smart phones, etc. Unfortunately, they do not help with my procrastination issues.

6. I love realty tv. And my DVR.

7. I am not a good housekeeper. Probably because I spend too much time playing with my nifty electronic gadgets and watching tv :-)

7 Blogs I'd like to see participate:

Simple Living with a Dash of Chaos

Hmmm, I'm pretty much a blog stalker so I'm not sure I have seven to suggest. I'll go ahead and post and think on it.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Tasty Tuesday

I don't have a tasty recipe to post today but I do have a tease..... I bought Reese's peanut butter cups and Dove chocolate caramel squares today. I am going to shove both of these tasty nuggets in my gorgeous dark chocolate cupcake batter and see what happens. I have never tried this. I once tried putting a dollop of ganache on top of this batter before I baked it but it did not sink and thus did not bake well. I have another recipe that a dollop of ganache works very well with but the cupcake is ultimately not as good as my original recipe. My gut is that I should pipe in a caramel filling after the cupcake is baked because I am concerned about the caramel filling hardening after baking. I am going to try a few different methods while my dear sister-in-law is here to be a taste tester. I will post the results!!

Note: the Reese's peanut butter cup is just a basic chocolate & peanut butter combination that must be tried. The best chocolate cupcake with the perfect peanut butter inside sounds delightful. Will it bake up so? No idea.

Manic Monday

I just realized it was Monday! That's an extraordinary thing. This Monday was Not Manic. At all. Lucy and I went to see Nanny McPhee Returns. I saw the first one with the boys. She didn't. I didn't love that one but she was sure she would love this one so off we went. It was actually the first time she and I had gone to see a movie by ourselves, just the two of us. That was nice. We ate at the new Qdoba right next door after the movie. Yum. Very relaxing, uneventful day :-)

Friday, September 3, 2010

Funky Fresh Friday

I do realize that the themed, day of the week topics are a bit cheesy but it does motivate me to write so.....who cares. I could've done Fuck You Friday but I resisted. That would be soooooo unoriginal. I haven't said Fuck You to anyone [out loud] in a really long time. I've been having the urge to say it to my neighbor lately because he's a douche. I feel it a coming.

But, that's not the topic! I am more funky than fresh right now. I'll just let you wonder about that.

How cute is this website?? Love it! Funky and fresh! Carolyn's Kitchen

Love this apron! Pretty sure I don't need the garter. I definitely always wear clothes under my apron as well. Would not use the gloves but still think they're cute.

Note to men reading this matter how cute & hip, I wouldn't buy this for your lady. If my mom or sister-in-law gave it to me, even with the garter, I would be amused and love it and think it was sooooooo cute. If my husband got it for me, especially with the garter, I'd think "WTF do you think I am? Some whore that cooks for you? What? I don't look good enough already while I cook all your meals and wash your clothes? I need to wear an apron with a fucking garter too?! Fuck You. I ain't cookin' no more. You go give this to your Chinese girlfriend with the small hands. I bet she'll wear it while she "give you happy ending". Then ask her for an egg roll because your missus said 'So solly Missa Brooks, I no cook tonight."

Just kidding. That was a joke, people. I crack myself up with my "Missa Brooks" routine. I don't think Chad thinks it's as funny. Don't make fun of people who speak broken English, he says. She's just trying to make a living. Whatever. I know he wishes most of half the time I didn't speak English. He'll never admit it, but I know. So solly, Missa Brooks, but you know me love you long time :-)

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Dark Chocolate Salted Caramel Cupcakes

I have been dreaming and salivating for awhile over the thought of a Dark Chocolate Salted Caramel Cupcake. I made a devine, if I do say so myself, cookie by the same name for my 2009 holiday cookie exchange. It's been 90+ degrees all week. Too hot to bake. It's supposed to cool off this weekend and I am dying to try a new, self concocted recipe (the very best kind)! Stay stuned!!

I have a couple of good options for the chocalate cupcake part. I'll put a rolo in the middle. Certain recipes accept a dollop in the batter better than others. Another option is to pipe caramel filling into my normal dark chocolate cupcake. I would definitely like your thoughts on the frosting. I'll sprinkle/coat the frosting in a sugar/sea salt mixture like I did the cookie. Should the frosting be a typical chocolate buttercream? A richer chocolate ganache? A combination of chocolate, caramel buttercream? A chocolate buttercream with caramel drizzle and sugar/sea salt sprinkle? I'm leaning towards chocolate ganache with sugar/seat salt sprinkle. Although who can resist caramel drizzle. Hello! So many options. Please let me know what makes your mouth water. I am excited about this cupcake!

Why Didn't I Think of That Thursday?

Hmmmm.... I wanted to just do Tasty Tuesday a bit late but I've had this topic in mind so I wanted to come up with something. Plus, Chad's not home yet so I still have the laptop :-)

Confession time. The woman I most envy right now is The Pioneer Woman. I love her blog!! I admire her. I think she's funny. I think she's smart. I wonder why I didn't think of all that stuff that she does. I could have done that! Right? But I didn't. So, I feel like a loser. Don't tell Pioneer Woman. She would disapprove. I just want to get my shit together and do something!!! Ugh. What is my problem!!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

WTF Wednesday

So, I've had a request from the people......WTF have you been doing for the past week? Why haven't you blogged? What happened to Tasty Tuesday? Why Didn't I Think of That Thursday? Fun Friday?

Well, I don't like blogging on my iPad. Besides the fact that I can't type at my normal lightening speed I can't figure out how to upload a darn picture! On my desktop I can save a picture and then easily upload it. On the iPad I can save a picture but can't figure out how to upload it to the blog. Drives me nuts.

Why can't I blog on my desktop, you may be thinking. Well, the desktop crashed a bajillion times. I'm sure if it wasn't completely fucked already I finished it off by repeatedly unplugging and restarting it. I moved on to the backup laptop but the keyboard was all jacked up and not working at all. Fucking kids. I took both computers, which are not old, to Kevin, the computer guy. I called to check on them today. He said they were both working perfectly for him! WTF???? He did witness the jacked upness of the laptop when I dropped it off so he doesn't think I'm crazy.

In the meantime I've been using Chad's brand new laptop when he's not looking. Shhhhhh. However, I've only been doing real important stuff like hockey manager spreadsheets, planning a pre-season hockey party for 50 people and organizing half-time oranges for football. Next week is the first general PTA meeting (for which I'm already VP) so someone better tie my hands to keep me from volunteering for more shit like homeroom mom, library, math & science fair........ I think I'm trying to prove that having kids hasn't turned me into the fucking retard I feel like half the time. I'm showing them alright. Whomever they are.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Manic Monday

Great day! Not manic at all. I bounded out of bed at 6am. I scooted those little goblins onto the bus for their first day of school and basked in a bicker-free environment for the rest of my day..... Not free of whining because I had Lucy but it was still music to my ears. I don't even think she realizes she's whining at this point. Whaaaaaattttteeeeeevvvverrrr!!

By the time the boys got off the bus I had baked brownies, bagel bites & pizza to welcome them home. They bounded off the bus with smiles. Hooray!!

Apparently Sam's teacher is the Goddess of all Children. She has 6 biological children, one with special needs and another that recently had a liver transplant. She's in the process of adopting two more with special needs. WELL......... I said, "Did you mention you had FOUR cavities and I dealt with it in stride! I had them filled right away! And with the white stuff, not the trashy silver stuff. Yeah! Did you put that in your "me bag" to take to school tomorrow?

I bet she had a crock pot going all day making pot roast or some shit. I've decided if I make brownies & pizza when they get home from school then that's their dinner! Seriously? I suggested Chad have a burrito. Duh.


I've been trying many different backgrounds so please comment on whatever one you see. Like? Dislike? Distracting? Not me? Me? I don't feel like I've found the perfect one yet. Describe the one you're seeing since I'm changing it left and right.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Funday Sunday

Holy hell I am tired! I got up with Sam today at 6am for hockey and have been running ever since. Both boys had their first football game today. That was super fun to watch but also exhausting since that meant four straight hours of little people football. Just how many hours is one person supposed to be able to resist the concession stand walking taco or nachos grande?? I better get used to it because it runs until the end of October.

My belly laugh moment of the day came as Henry was filling out his 3rd grade paperwork during Sam's football game. When asked by his teacher "If I had a million dollars I would buy...", he responded, "I'd buy a new butt, cuz mine has a crack in it." I've been laughing ever since.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Birthday Cupcakes

I made two dozen of these for my friend's daughter that is turning 12. She's taking them for her soccer team whose colors are black & gold. They looked cuter in person. It's really hard to photograph food and make it look good.

These were the ones I made for her birthday last year that she also took for her soccer team.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

WTF Wednesday

It's not quite midnight so it's not too late for WTF Wednesday. At the beginning of the day I had no idea if I would have anything to write about on this topic. Who the fuck was I kidding?

I don't normally get stressed out about stuff. I'm a pretty laid back chick if you know what I mean. And if you don't, I just mean I don't give a fuck about a lot of shit. It's late..... I think I may swear more late at night. I'm usually in bed by 10pm. It's 11:30pm. Why, you ask, am I up so late? Because at some point, some time I thought it would be a good idea to make cupcakes for money. Conclusion: I should only make cupcakes because I enjoy it. Not for the money.

I made these beauties for a friend of mines husband to take to work to thank somebody for something. They turned out pretty cute. This first picture was taken on my kitchen counter. Not the best background but I didn't have a plate big enough. By the way, why do children have the urge to fucking touch EVERYTHING!!!! When they were babies they touched things to learn. By now they should keep their grubby hands off my shit!! I digress....

This picture is in the cupcake carrier. You can see the colors a bit different. 12 vanilla. 6 chocolate. $40.

I haven't had a cupcake order in I have no idea how long. I still have 2 dozen cupcakes for someone else to decorate for tomorrow!! WTF was I thinking?? Not to mention, Sam's birthday party is tomorrow at Kennywood which means I have to get up early and frost these other cupcakes (picture tomorrow), go pick up bagels & donuts and get a bunch of jacked up kids ready to head to the amusement park by 10am. Smart planning.

Cupcakes are cooling. I just need to finish the frosting. It's the frosting that always pushes me over the edge. I hate making frosting.

And you know what? My kids never want cupcakes for their birthdays. And I never eat the cupcakes. By the time I'm done baking and frosting and saying ever so nicely that I DON'T NEED ANY FUCKING HELP, THANK YOU!!!! I'm tired of looking at cupcakes.

I have to say that when I turned up the music and let it drown out the children's cries for "help" (give me a break) the whole process was quite enjoyable. That and the wine.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Tasty Tuesday: Food I Can't Live Without

One of my favorite, semi-healthy, go-to meals right now is, let's call it, Sarah's Cobb Salad. I can assemble it in less than 5 minutes and I thoroughly enjoy every single bite. Oh so tasty and I feel no guilt because I love it so much. Worth every single calorie.

My most favorite ingredient that I start to panic a bit when I'm almost out of is Galeos Miso Dijonnaise. I love, love, LOVE this salad dressing!!! I would love it even if it were unhealthy but it's actually super healthy! Low calorie, low fat, low sugar, high flavor. Love it!! I can only buy it at Whole Foods which is a pain to get to so I sometimes just order it online so I don't have to go without.

My second favorite and absolutely necessary ingredient is blue (or gorgonzola) cheese. Sometimes I have a big tub from Sam's Club which is adequate but lately I've been splurging on smaller portions of better quality cheese. Totally worth it.

I always buy in bulk mixed greens, real bacon bits & ready to eat chicken strips from Sam's Club so I have never have an excuse for not eating a salad.

My favorite croutons are Rothbury Farms (Cheese Garlic). They have the perfect crunch and seasoning. Other croutons just aren't worth the calories.

If I'm really on the ball I'll have hard boiled eggs & avocado on hand. Bonus but not necessary for pure enjoyment of my salad.

What's your favorite food, meal or recipe this summer?

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Manic Monday

So I made up a song and I can't get it out of my head. It goes a little somethin' like this....


I have a little dance that goes with it. The kids think I'm weird. Whatever. Pesky fuckers.

Also part of my Manic Monday was allowing 2 boys to sleep over last night which meant I was yelling at four boys at 11pm instead of just my own two. I did that forgetting I had already invited another boy to come over this morning and play. And then I, of course, invited his sister to stay and play so Lucy wouldn't be the only girl and driving me bananas. That's 7 kids in case you lost count. It was fun. Lots of pancakes, bacon, Gatorade and an extra large pizza. The only time I had to yell was when someone threw an old bottle of Hawaiian Punch on Henry, covering him from head to toe in his white shorts. I let the two girls pee behind a tree at the private school park. That's not bad, right?

All is quiet for the next 10 minutes then it's time to get ready for football. After I drop them off I'm on to my first hockey manager meeting. Should be interesting. Hockey parents can be intense. I shall be a catalyst for calm.

Willie Nelson update

So, Willie was awesome. We got there a bit late because we figured the "family" might be playing so I think we missed some good Willie tunes. The sun was down and there were dark rain clouds overhead so it was comfortably warm. The concert was pretty basic as far as presentation (a huge Texas flag in the background), instruments & musicians which was quite refreshing during a time when so many things are too extravagant and over the top. I envy Willie and his family. They've obviously spent a lifetime following their passion. When will I discover mine?

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Willie Nelson & Family Live in Concert

This is what we have planned for the evening. Not sure if I'm a fan of Willie's family or not but I'm guessing at his age he needs all the help he can get.

I've only been to a handful of concerts in my lifetime. My first concert was as a teenager. Def Leppard. I will never forget that one because I wore a homemade, tie dyed dress made out of an XL men's white t-shirt. It was a super hot Oklahoma summer night and Def Leppard was kind enough to hose down all of us screaming teenage girls. As a result, I ended up in a very sheer men's white t-shirt that dyed my underwear the same color as the tie dye. ClassssEY

Other concerts? MC Hammer maybe in college. Or somebody like that. George Straight here in Pittsburgh. Poison here in Pittsburgh. That was fun. I know there are a few others I can't remember right now. Not so memorable I guess. Ok, I'm boring myself.

I am looking forward to tonight's concert as long as it cools off. It's 92 degrees right now and everyone who knows me knows that I won't last more than 5 minutes in heat like that. Cross your fingers. What are the chances I get offered a joint at this concert? Hmmmmm....

Oh, and I meant cross your fingers about the weather not the joint.

I'm Back. Really.

carosel open for business Pictures, Images and Photos

Wholey Moley it's been a long time since I've blogged!! I have missed it. I have actually started many a post over the summer and then abandoned them because either I got interrupted or decided it was going nowhere. I got an ipad for my birthday and that made it it harder to blog because I can't really type fast on it and I don't end up spending much time on a real keyboard because I'm playing games checking email, reading important stuff, etc. on the ipad instead of a PC. And then it had been so long I thought I should have something really important to say once I posted again. But I never really did. And I really want to monetize my blog but the fucking AdSense thing keeps telling me I already have an account but never lets me set up anything. Enough with the excuses. Just as summer ends and another school year begins I am back to tantalize you with the fascinating details of my life. Men will want me. Women will want to be me. Stay tuned.

I'm thinking of having certain topics on specific days of the week to motivate me to write. Like "Tantalize me Tuesday", "Wordless Wednesday" .... things like that. Any ideas from my two loyal readers?

Monday, June 14, 2010

First Official Day of Summer Break

The boys' last day of school was Friday. It was only a half day and they just cleaned out desks and lockers so I'm sure, in their minds, that was the first official day of summer vacation. In my mind it was the last official day of freedom as I knew it. Not necessarily a bad thing; I just have to adjust my schedule and expectations.

Today is Monday, which in my mind is when summer break begins. No waking kids up for school or hounding them to stay off the computer and eat their breakfast. No rushing to finish homework that was forgotten the night before. No frantic searches for missing shoes because it's a gym day and all we can find are Crocs. No stern reminders that they'll have to walk to school if they miss the bus. [Come to think of it, I never actually followed through on that threat. I'll have to come up with something better in the fall.]

Instead it's nearly 8am and Sam is still sleeping. Henry is up but quietly reading a book on the couch with the dogs. Lucy is still sleeping as well because she can't seem to go to sleep at a decent hour with these long summer days. I'll have time to cook the extra thick bacon instead of the precooked microwave kind. We can all stay in our pajamas until at least 10am. We'll start packing for our road trip to Myrtle Beach. Only two more sleeps until we leave!!

Will I be able to get everyone out of the house with no complaining so I can run errands? Possibly. If I bribe them with toys for the upcoming road trip. Will I be asked 67 times if we can go to the pool today? Probably. Will I take them? Probably not. Will we all enjoy the first Monday of summer break? Most definitely.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

It's Been Way Too Long!

I can't believe it's been more than one month since I've blogged!

I did, by the way, include bee pollen in a few bowls of oatmeal. I felt extremely itchy/hivey afterwards but I am not convinced it was due to the bee pollen. I also started taking these detox supplements at the same time. Unfortunately, you have to actually eat ultra healthy while taking all those supplements and I just wasn't into it 100% of my days. Healthy oatmeal, YEAH! Blah, blah, blah.

So I stopped taking the supplements. I am going to give the bee pollen a shot again soon when it is the only new thing introduced.

My mom was tagged recently on her blog to list 10 things she loves. She chose not to tag others but I thought I would play along as it is a good topic to get started blogging again.

10 Things I Love

1. My hard working, handsome husband. I love him!!!

2. My beautiful children

3. My wonderful mom who just moved here to spend more time with us!

4. When it's NOT a fucking, pussy snow day.

5. Goat cheese

6. Wine

7. My gorgeous soul mate, Jessica

8. My amazing, inspiring, sister Juleah

9. Getting my nails done every two weeks

10. Long, Uninterrupted hot showers.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Bee Pollen??

Apparently I've been living under a rock because I just read that bee pollen is one of nature’s healthiest and most powerful “superfoods”!! It’s been used as a dietary supplement for thousands of years. The early Egyptian and early Chinese civilizations both used it as a physical rejuvenator and medicine. The Greek physician Hippocrates, recognized as the father of modern medicine, used pollen as a healing substance over 2,500 years ago. Today natural health practitioners often refer to bee pollen as an herbal “fountain of youth” that can be used for everything from weight loss to cancer prevention. It may be nature's most perfect food...

Bee pollen has been shown to help people:

  • Lose weight
  • Increase energy, vitality and stamina
  • Enhance the immune system
  • Relieve allergy and asthma symptoms
  • Improve sexual function
  • Correct digestion problems
  • Slow the aging process

One thing is certain (according to people who consume high-quality bee pollen almost always experience an increase in energy, zest, and physical endurance. This is precisely why thousands of world-class athletes supplement their diets with this natural substance.

What’s in Bee Pollen?
Bee pollen contains an incredible array of vitamins, minerals, amino acids, enzymes, co-enzymes, and hormones. It is especially rich in B vitamins and antioxidants, including lycopene, selenium, beta carotene, vitamin C, vitamin E, and several flavanoids. It is composed of 55% carbohydrates, 35% protein, 3% vitamins and minerals, 2% fatty acids, and 5% other substances. Overall, it's one of the most nutritionally complete natural substances found on earth. Who knew???

Well, buckle the fuck up, cuz guess who bought some bee pollen today??!! Yep, you got it. Yours truly!! I'm puttin' it in my oatmeal tomorrow morning!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Woo Hoo!! Yaya's Coming to Town!!

I was going to call or email Yaya with a little tidbit that warmed my heart today but thought I'd like to share with a few more. It's the little things after all . . . .

First, a little background. I never had a super close relationship with my grandparents. I have a few random, yet vivid memories. They were amazing people, I cried when they died but I didn't mourn the "relationship". You know what I'm saying?

Chad's mom was the MOST amazing Mom and Memaw. Even though we lived far away she always made sure she saw us at least every 3 months. To say she was loving and generous is to put it mildly. It is truly tragic she left this earth so early. I sincerely mourn my relationship with her that was cut so short. Even more deeply, I mourn the fact that Sharon will not see her grandchildren grow up and they will not truly appreciate the person she was. I am extremely grateful for the time we did get to spend with her but it wasn't enough!

And so here we are. January 2010. My mom (Yaya) has made the HUGE decision to keep her wonderful home and darling husband in Tulsa AND rent an apartment here in Sewickley for 6 months so she can test the retirement waters and be close to her one and only (biological - which trumps the rest of you btw) fabulous child and three wonderful grandchildren. In Lucy's words, we are Super DUPER excited!!

I'm finally getting to the heart warming tidbit . . . When Henry got off the bus this afternoon he was carrying one of his favorite stuffed animals. How sweet is it that he still takes stuffed animals to school?! Anyway, the first thing he said was, "When is Yaya getting here?" He then proceeded to turn his little dog upside down to show me the tiny hole in it's belly. He then told me he had a couple of things that needed fixed. Lucy has a couple things lined up too.

I LOVE that they think of Yaya when one of their prized possessions is wounded. I think they will forever remember her as being the only one that can "fix" those things. Daddy can fix just about anything under the sun. But he doesn't sew. Mama is good for cooking, cleaning and cuddling when you are hurt or sad (as long as it doesn't drag the fuck on). But unless dollies and stuffed animals can be fixed with super glue or tape then Mama is worthless. Enter Yaya.

There are probably many aspects of their relationship with Yaya that we adults don't even realize are important. Yaya definitely knows kids speak up at the most unexpected moments with the most unexpected things. I am thrilled beyond words that she will be able to experience many more of those moments!

So, Mom and Tom, I know this change is BIG. I realize the sacrifice is HUGE for both of you. I am deeply grateful you two are open and willing to take on the challenge! Thank you, Tom, for understanding and sharing her with us! Regardless of things bought, moved and left behind I truly believe that it's the little unexpected moments that will make it all worthwhile.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Most Popular Passwords

According to a new analysis, one out of five Web users still decides to leave the digital equivalent of a key under the doormat: they choose a simple, easily guessed password like "abc123," "iloveyou" or even "password" to protect their data.

"I guess it's just a genetic flaw in humans," said Amichai Shulman, the chief technology officer at Imperva, which makes software for blocking hackers. "We've been following the same patterns since the 1990s."

A genetic flaw??? I guess that's a nice way of saying at least 20% of Americans are dumber than a fucking rock.

For entire article go HERE.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Brown 52%, Coakley 47%

From Demoralized Democrats were left grappling with the notion of a once-obscure GOP insurgent snatching the late Sen. Edward M. Kennedy’s seat in the so-called bluest state, only to possibly seal the demise of the late senator’s health-care dream - and single-handedly knock President Obama’s agenda off course.

From Sarah Brooks: Woo Hoo!!!!! All that keeps running through my head when I think of Obama is the following quote from the movie The Hangover.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Movie Review: Book of Eli

5 Word Review: I Fucking Hated This Movie.

OK, so to be fair, this is not the type of movie I would normally watch in the first place. This was the plot summary I found online, "In the not-too-distant future, across the wasteland of what was once America, a lone warrior must fight to bring civilization the knowledge that could be the key to its redemption." After reading that I didn't want to watch it in the theater, at home, with a gun to my head . . .

But, I really [REALLY] wanted to get out of the house with two of my girlfriends and this was the only movie that fit into our timeline. They wanted to see it and, believe it or not, they loved it! They really, really did. So, this is just one fabulous person's opinion.

My one friend loves Denzel and, as a devout Christian, loved the message. Spoiler Alert! Don't read any further if you don't want to discover the "knowledge" referenced above.

By the end of the movie it is revealed that The Book of Eli is the last remaining King James Bible. Denzel (Eli) has been protected by God for the last 30 years as he's traveled through an America devastated by war, poverty and depravity because God spoke to him telling him to take the Book to "the West". There is a tremendous amount of violence and it is clear that cannibalism as a means of survival is commonplace. You can identify those who've eaten too much human meat by how much their hands shake.

Long, inane, unbelievable story short, Denzel has to give up THE BOOK towards the end to the one other person in the movie, i.e. THE bad guy, that realizes the importance of the Bible. Yet Denzel keeps travelling West, as he has been for the last 30 years. Everyone's wondering WTF . . . did he give the bad guy the REAL book (by this time everyone assumes its the Bible but it hasn't been confirmed) or does he have it hidden on his body somewhere?

Denzel (Eli) finally makes it to San Francisco where, apparently, the last civilized, intelligent people live. He tells them he has the last remaining King James Bible. Ta Daaaa!! They are astounded and grateful. At the same time the bad guy is opening up what he thinks is the Bible he stole from Denzel. It is then revealed . . . . that the bad guy DOES have the bible BUT . . . . It's all in BRAILLE!!!! Mooootheeeerfuuuucker!!!! He doesn't really say that but you know that's what he's thinking. The girlfriend he's been extremely horrid to throughout the movie just happens to be BLIND (pieces are falling into place) but she gives him a big FUCK YOU and says she doesn't remember braille. Touche!!

At the same time it is revealed that Denzel (Eli) is, yep, you got it, BLIND. He's been reading his braille Bible every day for the last 30 years so he has it memorized and proceeds to recite it to the San Francisco guy so they can print it on the ancient printing press they have put in working condition. Then Eli dies. His purpose has been fulfilled.

Hallelujah, it's over! We can go to PF Changs. I need a fucking drink after watching Denzel decapitate all those cannibalistic losers. My favorite part of the movie and the only thing that kept me interested was that even though these people were bartering with fucking KFC wet naps and travel size shampoos for clean drinking water they ALL had the coolest g*damn sunglasses!! The sunglasses were never lost nor broken throughout the entire movie. It was amazing.

To be clear, I was not opposed to the "message" I just didn't believe a word of it, the way it was presented. I thought the whole movie was slow and stupid. There was no nudity with all that violence. Hellllooooooo??!!

Save your money. Rent it and fall asleep half way through. When you have bad dreams don't blame me. I told ya so.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Why am I not Famous??!!

It's really a shame my blog is not famous because I have so much to say. So few to listen. I honestly don't see that much difference in what I have to say and the bulk of all the other jackasses out there. Not that I am that profound or that funny, but who is?! Few. Not many.

I am going to add to my repertoire . . . movie reviews. If I make it to see a movie in the theatre I am often alone, which I LOVE. I remember thinking my mom was a total weirdo when she would go to the movies by herself. I get it now! I love it!! As a result, when I see a movie, I am totally engaged and my opinion is, at a minimum, insightful. On the other hand, if I watch a movie at home and make it through (in one sitting) it must be a winner and thus also deserves my review. Otherwise, I will give my half ass movie review, which is just as useful as it might save you an evening of mindless movie watching.

I'm thinking I should review movies in 5 words.

To wrap this dialouge up, I'm going to review the movie I saw today. Sherlock Holmes. In five words.

Robert Downey is Fucking Hot! Ok, let me try again. Awesome Actors, Engaging, Downey Amazing. Another 5 words. Thoughtful. Entertaining. Love. Robert. Downey.

Yes, I liked the movie.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Year - PM

My belly and my heart are full as is my sink of dirty dishes. Streamers, empty beer bottles, soda cans, juice boxes, cookie crumbs, chips, and good thoughts for the New Year are scattered every which way. Sam has quite a contusion above his left eye from an awesome slap shot by Henry. Shoulda worn a helmet. I'm in bed with my laptop.

Believe it or not, I was not stressed one single bit all darn day!! I was perhaps irritated a bit this morning as I was chopping and chopping and chopping and certain little people were bothering the fuck out of me asking to be fed, blah blah blah but, all in all, it was a wonderful, stress free day!

I think I can honestly say it was the least stressful party I've ever thrown which just goes to show it's all in your attitude. I know what you're thinking and it has nothing to do with alcohol or medication. I am simply a whiz at entertaining!! WA LAA is my middle name!! The sitters were a godsend. They were proactive, take charge, amazing girls. When they would ask me a question I would say "Hellloooo, I'm in charge of the food and you're in charge of the kids, remember??" and off they would go. There were three of them. One was generally in charge of boys, one for the girls and the third was a floater. I really, really hated to see them go.

I know, I know, what you really want to know is HOW DID THE HAM TURN OUT??!! In a word. FUCKINGFANTASTIC!! Here's how it went down. . .

Garlic & Herb Rub: 1 cup fresh sage from 1 large bunch, packed lightly, 1/2 cup fresh parsley, 8 medium cloves of garlic, 1 tbsp kosher salt or 1 1/2 tsp table salt, 1/2 tbsp ground black pepper, 1/4 cup olive oil, mixed in food processor until forms a smooth paste. That is the recipe for a 6-8 lb ham so I doubled it. It was plenty.

7:15 am: Rubbed and ready to go in the oven!

Based on calculations I read online you should bake a fresh ham for 22 min/pound which, for a 17lb ham, comes out to 6 hours. I didn't think it would take that long, but it did. Luckily, I put it in at 7:15 am so it worked out about right. TA DAAAA!

1:15 pm

It actually looked MUCH more impressive in person. A gorgeous ham, if I do say so myself.

5:15 pm : notice the bottom of the pan is completely cold pig fat. YUM.

So, the "ham" really seemed like "pork" when it was all said and done. It wasn't pink like a traditional ham. It looked like "the other white meat". So, the question came up, "Is it a Ham or is it a Pork Roast?" All of the recipes I found were for "roasting a fresh ham." When I googled ham vs pork I found . . .

"Ham, technically is the thigh and rump of any animal that is slaughtered for meat, but the term is usually restricted to a cut of pork, the haunch of a pig or boar. Although it can be cooked and served fresh, most ham is cured in some fashion."

So, I think what I cooked was a 'fresh, uncured ham' although it could definitely just be called 'pork'. If someone were expecting 'ham' they quite possibly might have been disappointed. If they were simply open to fabulousness then they were happy. A few seemed genuinely confused.

The only thing lacking in this day was that I didn't get to share it in person with my few loyal readers!! I love you all!!!

Happy New Year - AM

I went to bed at 10pm on New Year's Eve and woke up this morning at 6am so I could prepare THE HAM. And, yes, of course we are having black-eyed peas! Hoppin' John Stew. Ham stock base, Cajun seasoning, beans and rice. This is my favorite way to have black eyed peas except for the Texas Caviar mentioned by my Aunt Jennifer. I was going to make that too and forgot! Oh well.

This is the 17lb, skin on, fresh ham prior to cutting my beautiful, meditative diamond pattern.

This is after an hour of cutting with a serrated knife through the skin and fat, being careful not to cut into the meat. Does it look like it would be hard? Well, I hope so because it was a big fucking pain in the ass. I almost gave up half way through, chucked my $30 in the trash and called it a lesson learned. But, I didn't. I think I can, however, say with 100% certainty that I will never make a 17lb fresh ham again. If it's really good I might make a smaller one . . .

I put the ham in a brine of salt, brown sugar, garlic, bay leaves, and black peppercorns around 2pm yesterday and retrieved it at 6am this morning. It is now sitting for an hour at room temperature before I apply the Garlic and Herb Rub and then pop that motherfucker in the oven.

To be continued . . . .