Friday, February 27, 2009

Michelle Obama's Portrait Unveiled

First lady Michelle Obama's official portrait was released Friday by the White House, a month after her husband's came out. The first lady is wearing a black . . . . Oh wait, I just remembered. I don't give a shit.

Nip Tuck

I have at least four Nip Tucks on my DVR. I'm catching up tonight. I used to be much more in love with the show. The subject matter is always over the top but it's somewhat lacking this season.

For instance, in the episode I just watched, the doctors (Sean & Christian) lamented the loss of their lesbian anesthesiologist who realized she was in love with Christian, the hetero sex addict plastic surgeon for whom she worked. Sean, Christian's partner, then found himself interviewing a hot, tattooed anesthesiologist that would only work for him if she could 'really be who she was'. He then proceeded to find out just who she was. Just in case you were wondering, she was a whore.

Meanwhile they had a yogi patient that wanted a penis reduction because he was obsessed with sucking his own dick. After hearing that, a celebrity client of theirs broke his own neck trying extra hard to suck his dick just as well. Yaawwwnn.

Christian, the sex addict plastic surgeon, was conflicted about whether or not to inject his infant granddaughter with Botox or Collagen so she could become a child model. In the meantime, it was made clear that many physicians do actually perform these procedures on toddlers. He chose the moral high ground and did not perform any procedures on his granddaughter. Thankfully, he did appropriately chastise the baby's porn star mother.

It may be time to examine why I'm attracted to all of these fucked up shows. How 'bout lets not and say I did. Deal?

ask the Answer Bitch!

OMG. I just realized that some other bitch has my dream job. Yes, it's true. Apparently I am the under acheiver. Her blog is HERE. It's not even funny. And she has a new book out, The A-List Playbook, where she divulges dirty little secrets like . . . . skinny celebrities don't eat. no fucking shit? I bet the next secret she shares is that Britney and Jamie Lynn were scheduled to be implanted with birth control but something went terribly wrong; Pamela's tits are fake and Mickey Rourke is gay.

Woman's Face Ripped Off by Pet Chimp

You've probably heard about this story. It's horrific. Watch the entire video just so you can get Sandra's whole story. The 911 call is especially disturbing.

And by disturbing, I mean that the 911 operator was a freaking idiot. "What's wrong with your friend" . . "He's killing her" . . . "OK, what's the problem?". And then he was like, "Yeaahhh right, your chimpanzee is killing your friend." A touch condescending, doncha think?

Also, does it look like Travis has a diaper on? He can drive, use the computer and model but he can't figure out how to use a toilet? That seems a little suspicious to me.

Sandra has had a rough time. Her husband died 5 years ago then her daughter was killed in an auto accident and now her beloved chimpanzee/son ripped off the face of her best friend. That's some fucked up karma right there. What are the chances she hangs on much longer?

On a lighter note, she looks pretty good for 70. And quick on her feet too. I have a feeling she has laced tea with Xanax before, no?

P.S. I have since read that Travis could not only use the toilet but could drink from a wine glass. Now its sounding suspicious but in a totally different way.

Monday, February 23, 2009

You can't eat it, you can't fuck it and it won't get you into heaven

That was Mickey Rourke's response to Bahbwa WaWa when she asked him what winning the Oscar would mean to him. (I'm just watching it tonight) OK, so now I love him. Mangled face, silver tooth, gay outfits and all. I feel bad for making fun of him and his chihuahua, Loki, who died after 18 years. His dogs truly kept him alive. And I totally understand that because if he had had children during that time in his life he definitely would have killed himself.

Hugh Jackman was voted 2008's sexiest man alive by People magazine. It was rumored he was gay even before I brought it up. I thought I was being original but hellooooo. . . . . his kids are ADOPTED!! OMG, gay gay gay gay. so cute. but gay. Just another example of the liberal mainstream media saying whatever the hell they want regardless of the truth. i.e. OBAMA. Media is talking out its butt about someone they know nothing about. Blah blah blah blah.

At least Mickey seems true to himself, you know? I have been identifying with various celebrities this week (not too much diff from other weeks). I admire Mickey for putting himself out there knowing people are going to make fun of him. He's not stupid; he knows what people are going to say: he obviously doesn't care. Again, I am reminded of myself. Why does everything remind me of myself???

It has been a big step for me to put my blog out there for anyone to read. Beyond my mother and my husband. There is just something about putting your shit out there and saying "here it is!". Don't like it? Oh, Well. Like it? Oh, well.

You can't put any more stock in people that like you versus people who don't. I think I am finally comfortable saying whatever I want and knowing that those who love me won't love me or leave me based on what I say in my blog. Everyone in my life is totally stuck with me by now.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Natalie Portman Rap

Natalie Portman is a vegan, which I love. She's mostly all shy and quiet when she's interviewed, kind of like me. I wish I could pull off a short hair cut like that but I think I'd have to be much more petite not to look like a lesbian. I'm a little envious she got to do this rap video. Can't you just see me in her place? We're like peas in a pod, me and Natalie.

warning: this video is very crude. don't watch it if you have delicate sensibilities.

p.s. When I mentioned to my husband the subject of this blog he had this blank look when I made the comparison to Natalie and myself. Fuck him.

p.s.s. Love you honey : )

I was able to embed this video at first but now it's been disabled. So check it out HERE.

Live From the Red Carpet

It's a good thing I wasn't invited to any Oscar parties turned down all those Oscar party invites. It affords me the opportunity to sit and watch, laptop at the ready, giving you my immediate reactions and observations. Otherwise, I would have been drinking and having fun and chatting. Now I'm just drinking. typing. drinking. typing. I've banished my children to the upper chambers and I'm enjoying a bottle glass of Jacobs Creek Reserve. Yes, that's right. Reserve. I usually drink the regular cheap cheap Jacobs Creek but tonight definitely calls for the Reserve.

If I don't publish my observations tonight then tomorrow they will seem (accurately so) completely irrelevant. So here goes.

Anne Hathaway is a true fashionista. I imagine I would be like her if I were 6 inches taller and an actress.

Mickey Rourke, 56, was still extremely disturbing. Although well spoken, he sported a Loki charm of his deceased 18 yr old chihuahua around his neck. My bad. I didn't realize he was gay.

You gotta love Sohpia Loren but it's time she stay home. She's not doing herself any favors.

Marisa Tomei, 43, is my idol. Nominated for best supporting actress for playing a stripper in The Wrestler, she is amazing. She didn't win the award but she won my heart.

Brad & Angie. Of course, I love them both but does she own any other style of dress?

Kate Winslet, The Reader, lovely as ever. I also imagine myself as her if I were a famous actress. She seems very 'real'.

Does anyone really like Beyonce's clothing line? I feel like it's a secret joke Hollywood is playing on us. One day we'll show up in those god awful outfits and everyone will scream "SUUUCKERRRR!"

Why is Jessica Beil at the Oscars. Did I miss something?

I love Robert Downey Jr. He looks amazing after all those yrs of hard living.

Josh Brolin and Diane Lane. It's like looking in a mirror. Me and Chad.

I thought Sarah Jessica left her troll of a husband. He's headed for Broadway. Heeellloooo. He's gay.

Taraji P Henson. supporting actress for Benjamin Button. Don't know who she is but she is so cute!

All of you Botox naysayers, did you notice how many of the stars have obviously had it?! Young, old and in between. So There! And I really don't want to hear anything about how I'm not a movie star so why am I comparing myself to them. Fuck you. That's what I say to that. I am a star in my own movie every g*damn day.

I thought Hugh Jackman was hot until he started dancing around like a fag. Disappointing.

WTF. I just noticed Mickey has a silver tooth. Every time he starts to redeem himself I'm struck by yet another fucked up thing about him. Disturbing. Who advises him?

Now I can't decide if I'd rather be Kate Winslet or Tina Fey.

When you watch these shows are you bored? Envious? Happy with exactly where you are in your life? Does it effect you a little, a lot, or not at all. I think I have been more apt to compare myself in my later years. When I was young it seemed like I still had a chance. But as everyone gets older it seems like something really unfair is going on. Nonetheless, I am comforted by the fact that I don't need/desire accolades from millions of people. I am quite happy with myself and my life.

The only thing I require is that my children do the "Hi Mom" thing when they are being interviewed after a game, play or recital.

I felt bad for Jen A up there. I can't imagine anything worse than standing before Brad and Angelina and their 50 kids. I think I would do the honorable thing and stab myself with my sword. Bravo to her for giving it an outstanding effort though.

Sank you, sank you, sank you belly much. Domo arigato. mista robato.

If you didn't get that then you weren't watching. But thanks for checking in. xo

Friday, February 20, 2009

25 Random Things About Me

I'm not so sure about Facebook yet but apparently I have too much time on my hands so I participated in this . . . . I don't want to type it again here or even cut and paste it. So just check it out HERE if you are interested. I know you are.

p.s. I realized, after the fact, that you couldn't actually read the 25 fabulous random facts about me without logging in to Facebook and already being my 'friend'. Yet, there was no one who mentioned that so maybe you're not reading everything! ?#@ . Again, too much time on my hands. here it is.

1. I never went to kindergarten. That might explain why I don't always play well with others.

2. I love to drink wine.

3. I love to cook and collect cook books.

4. I love to hang out in book stores when I have nothing better to do. Or when I have lots better things to do.

5. I love reality television. They should put my shit on TV.

6. I love blue cheese more than anyone else on the planet. Really. I challenge you to prove me wrong.

7. My husband is from Oklahoma but we didn't date until after we had both moved to California and met up again. He is the love of my life.

8. I've been spending way too much time on Facebook lately; mainly because I'm avoiding housework. Not because I find you all fascinating.

9. I don't have to wash my hair every day. It looks fabulous for days!! At least that's what I tell myself. Plus, I look really cute in a ball cap.

10. I volunteered to get Botox at an event that was showcasing different cosmetic procedures. I looovvveeed it!! I look fucking fabulous!!

11. I have the cheapest and best cleaning lady EVER. She comes and cleans for 4 hours a week and I only have to pay her $50! Yes, she is a US citizen and speaks English!! Now you know why I can spend all this time of Facebook.

12. I am a foster parent to sick babies.

13. Just kidding. Just wanted to see if you're still paying attention.

14. I am surprisingly excited to go to my 20 yr high school reunion considering I was pretty depressed all those years.

15. I can never resist pizza. good pizza. mediocre pizza. shitty pizza. all pizza. it's a problem.

16. I kissed a girl twice once. and I liked it.

17. I leg pressed 260 lbs today.

18. I hate to get flowers on holidays and anniversaries. Too cliche.

19. I have a French Bulldog that snorts and farts all the time. I love it.

20. Lord have mercy. this is boring.

21. If anyone actually reads this whole list then you have to comment.

22. I love to swear.

23. I have the cutest, smartest children ever. I know everyone says that but, come on, that's just bullshit. I can't even stand half the kids I come into contact with.

24. I'm allergic to the sun. Seriously. And not in the same way I'm allergic to housework. I'm really allergic to the sun. It gives me hives.

25. I have no idea how I ended up with so many friends on Facebook. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

My Blog is Experiencing a Downturn

This is just a warning, to those who give a shit, that my blog may be focusing (for a short time) more on the superficial than the spiritual. I am finding comfort in cursing and making fun of people. I'm not proud of it. I would not recommend it. But that's what I'm doing. Like it or not. Read it or don't.

I was really surprised when I did a little research and found that the movie 9 1/2 Weeks came out in 1986. Lord knows I feel old as it is, but I did not realize that I was only 15 yrs old when this movie came out. It made a BIG impression on me and my sexual development. If only in my mind. And, thankfully, my mind was the only thing that was active at that time.

So, here comes the disturbing part. Have you seen Mickey Rourke lately? He's nominated for an Oscar but he's a fucking mess. Holy Fuck is he hard to look at. That's it. I'm just disturbed. I can't believe I had fantasies about this man. It's just all fucked up.