I was going to change my blog to be for those only "INVITED" because I was starting to feel I should not have invited so many people that I KNOW to read it. That is me worrying about what people think. I vow not to do that anymore. Going forward, realize (YOU reading this), if you haven't already, that I am not perfect and politically correct all the time. Who you thought I was may not be who I really am but that really changes nothing . . . except for your perception. I am loving and trusworthy and loyal. I have a tendency to 'tell it like is' according to my MOOD at that particular moment. I also have open ears to those that disagree with that mood or opinion. I am blessed that I have loving supporters whatever I choose to do or say because they know the love that springs from my heart . . . although when I told my mother we were getting a chihuahua she let out an emphatic "Nooooooooooooooooooo".
Why do I feel like I have to defend myself when it comes to the dog? I know it stems from the fact that I purchased an expensive Pit Bull 3 years ago only to give it away 1 and 1/2 years later. My children and I still get teary over Bullseye. I just knew that I was not the best I could be in that situation.
So . . . am I trying to atone? Why do I really want a pet? Is it a substitute for a 4Th child? I think that's what Bullseye was . . a substitute for a third child. Once I became pregnant with Lucy I promptly gave the dog away. Should I examine this compulsive need to care for something? Is it for ME or for the CHILDREN or for both. Is there an underlying motive or is it a basic need? I think saying it is a basic need would be a cop out.
Maybe it's not complicated at all. Maybe it's just that kids like dogs and I like my kids. Maybe it's just LOVE. That puppy looks at me like I am his world . . similar to a newborn baby. It is a profound feeling to feel needed like that. I have gotten used to being needed. What happens when I'm not needed anymore?
Why do I feel like I have to defend myself when it comes to the dog? I know it stems from the fact that I purchased an expensive Pit Bull 3 years ago only to give it away 1 and 1/2 years later. My children and I still get teary over Bullseye. I just knew that I was not the best I could be in that situation.
So . . . am I trying to atone? Why do I really want a pet? Is it a substitute for a 4Th child? I think that's what Bullseye was . . a substitute for a third child. Once I became pregnant with Lucy I promptly gave the dog away. Should I examine this compulsive need to care for something? Is it for ME or for the CHILDREN or for both. Is there an underlying motive or is it a basic need? I think saying it is a basic need would be a cop out.
Maybe it's not complicated at all. Maybe it's just that kids like dogs and I like my kids. Maybe it's just LOVE. That puppy looks at me like I am his world . . similar to a newborn baby. It is a profound feeling to feel needed like that. I have gotten used to being needed. What happens when I'm not needed anymore?
4 comments:
May I say it's a wonderful, liberating feeling to be able to say "Nooooooooooooo" and know that it will have absolutely no effect on the outcome; that you will always do what you think is best, regardless of what others think or say. And may I also say that it's just about the cutest little dog I've ever seen? It's a nice addition to the family.
I just read your last 3 post today. First of all I think you write beautifully..... but what do I know, I shop at the dreadful wal-mart behind all of the beer-bellied, barefoot, poor people. But I always choose the $4 cup of coffee over the boones, so I guess I have a winsy bit of taste. I know that might be a little scarcastic but I will openly admit that I was a little offended and suprised at that entry. I write this to say I was wrong for being critical and judgemental and I apologize for my hidden feelings. This should be a place were you are able to be honest and write exactly what you are thinking. And for me I feel I get to know who you are through your writing. And no matter what you write I know you are exactly who you just stated: loving, trustworthy and loyal. You are all of these things to me. I came across this today, I thought it relates....not just to this but to my life as well:
"Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love? play The Great God Brown
I truly do love all of your writing. You have got an amazing talent. Keep doing it.
This comment is actually for Juleah. Your humor comes through and it's charming. I love the fact that you and Sarah are so different and so accepting of those differences. What a beautiful friendship. I'm also going to steal that quote you added -- I really like it.
I see you changed your heading. Cute. I invite you to try the Encyclopedia of Me challenge -- a letter a day, A through Z, describing something that relates to your life. It would be fun to see where it takes you -- and those who share your posts.
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