Saturday, August 4, 2007


I was going to change my blog to be for those only "INVITED" because I was starting to feel I should not have invited so many people that I KNOW to read it. That is me worrying about what people think. I vow not to do that anymore. Going forward, realize (YOU reading this), if you haven't already, that I am not perfect and politically correct all the time. Who you thought I was may not be who I really am but that really changes nothing . . . except for your perception. I am loving and trusworthy and loyal. I have a tendency to 'tell it like is' according to my MOOD at that particular moment. I also have open ears to those that disagree with that mood or opinion. I am blessed that I have loving supporters whatever I choose to do or say because they know the love that springs from my heart . . . although when I told my mother we were getting a chihuahua she let out an emphatic "Nooooooooooooooooooo".

Why do I feel like I have to defend myself when it comes to the dog? I know it stems from the fact that I purchased an expensive Pit Bull 3 years ago only to give it away 1 and 1/2 years later. My children and I still get teary over Bullseye. I just knew that I was not the best I could be in that situation.

So . . . am I trying to atone? Why do I really want a pet? Is it a substitute for a 4Th child? I think that's what Bullseye was . . a substitute for a third child. Once I became pregnant with Lucy I promptly gave the dog away. Should I examine this compulsive need to care for something? Is it for ME or for the CHILDREN or for both. Is there an underlying motive or is it a basic need? I think saying it is a basic need would be a cop out.

Maybe it's not complicated at all. Maybe it's just that kids like dogs and I like my kids. Maybe it's just LOVE. That puppy looks at me like I am his world . . similar to a newborn baby. It is a profound feeling to feel needed like that. I have gotten used to being needed. What happens when I'm not needed anymore?


Yaya said...

May I say it's a wonderful, liberating feeling to be able to say "Nooooooooooooo" and know that it will have absolutely no effect on the outcome; that you will always do what you think is best, regardless of what others think or say. And may I also say that it's just about the cutest little dog I've ever seen? It's a nice addition to the family.

Juleah said...

I just read your last 3 post today. First of all I think you write beautifully..... but what do I know, I shop at the dreadful wal-mart behind all of the beer-bellied, barefoot, poor people. But I always choose the $4 cup of coffee over the boones, so I guess I have a winsy bit of taste. I know that might be a little scarcastic but I will openly admit that I was a little offended and suprised at that entry. I write this to say I was wrong for being critical and judgemental and I apologize for my hidden feelings. This should be a place were you are able to be honest and write exactly what you are thinking. And for me I feel I get to know who you are through your writing. And no matter what you write I know you are exactly who you just stated: loving, trustworthy and loyal. You are all of these things to me. I came across this today, I thought it relates....not just to this but to my life as well:

"Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love? play The Great God Brown

I truly do love all of your writing. You have got an amazing talent. Keep doing it.

Connie said...

This comment is actually for Juleah. Your humor comes through and it's charming. I love the fact that you and Sarah are so different and so accepting of those differences. What a beautiful friendship. I'm also going to steal that quote you added -- I really like it.

Yaya said...

I see you changed your heading. Cute. I invite you to try the Encyclopedia of Me challenge -- a letter a day, A through Z, describing something that relates to your life. It would be fun to see where it takes you -- and those who share your posts.