L is for Lucy

You knew that was coming, right? Lucy is pure joy and love wrapped in one awfully cute package! She lights up a room to say the least and is surely the brightest spot in my day. Sorry, boys: ) She has so much personality and is so sweet that one cannot be around her without smiling, even when she's being a pill. I never really wanted a girl but she came at exactly the right time in my life that I could fully appreciate and enjoy her. Remind me of this when she hits puberty.

K is for Kindergarten

Henry had his first full day of kindergarten yesterday and loved it. He rode the bus to and from school and took his lunch and ate in the cafeteria. It was a big day for all. It was much more emotional for me when Sam went to kindergarten. This time it was pretty easy. I think I saw a few tears in Chad's eyes though. It was little Lucy who took it the hardest. All I heard ALL day was "Ham? Heny? Dada? over and over and over. She is so excited when we go to get them from the bus. Very sweet.

J is for Juleah

I thought for days what I would do with J. All I could think of was Joy and Jesus for which I could not come up with anything that seemed from my heart.

So, J is for Juleah, my sister-in-law. I don't have any biological sisters so I do appreciate when a woman comes in to my life that I consider a sister. I have had best friends and a step-sister by marriage that I was extremely close to but, sadly, am not anymore. Juleah is a person that upon first meeting I dismissed as someone that I could never relate to. She was too young, too spoiled, too redneck, etc. I think she felt the same way about me but with different adjectives. To my absolute pleasure, I can say today that I was very wrong! I think we have both grown from that first day that we met and thus have been able to open our hearts to one another. She is a true delight. I love that we are different and can revel in those differences. I respect her as a mother and wife which are two of my big measuring sticks.

We cooked an entire "Brooks Family" Thanksgiving dinner together in 2006 and did not argue or disagree once. It was of the most enjoyable experiences I've ever had, as I love to cook. We slaved over the famous 'Brooks' dressing and baked two different coconut cream pies - hers had a little more coconut, mine had a little more vanilla. It was a memorable and bonding experience.

I can say, without question, that she is one of the (few) people if my life that I fully trust and love.

I is for Independent

Being independent is a valuable quality that I learned at an early age. My, now passed, grandmother used to tell a story of me calling her at work asking where the tuna was because I needed to make sandwiches for me and my father. I was all of 5 years old.

I remember saying with great conviction that I never wanted to get married because I never wanted to depend on someone. I never wanted to have children because I think I was tired of being depended upon at a young age. I vehemently did not want to rely on another and in turn did not want someone to rely on me. I wanted to be free. This served me well in many circumstances but also left me lonely in many others.

I am, right now, the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I can say that without a doubt. I am also the most dependent and the most depended upon that I have ever been. I have given up having a career to care for my children and my family, without any regrets. I am completely dependent on my husband to make the money that sustains our lifestyle. My children are, in turn, dependent on me to care for them on a daily basis. It is at times a very helpless feeling and at times a very powerful feeling.

H is for Hot

I am tired of being hot and sweaty everyday and not having central air. Fall is my favorite season and I can't wait!!

G is for Growing Up

I can't believe the kids are growing up so fast! Plus, it also means I am getting oooold. Sam is finally about to lose his first tooth one month before he turns 7, which is much later than anyone else we know. I was really enjoying looking at all those baby teeth in his big boy mouth. Once the adult teeth come in they look SO BIG comparatively. You can already see the big tooth coming in behind the one that's hanging by a thread. It makes me sad.

And then there's sweet Henry, going off to kindergarten and riding the bus. He will still be my baby boy for awhile longer though.

P.S. after I posted this the first time, Sam lost his tooth while on his playdate. He's convinced the tooth fairy will leave him either $5 or a small toy.

G is for Go

I think I feel the need to GO too much. It would be good for me to take more time to just BE.

F is for Friendship

I have been surprised, and then not so surprised if I'm honest with myself, at the friends that I've gained and the friend that I've lost this year. What do I require or appreciate in a friend? There are definitely different levels of friendship, as we have all experienced. Someone that I held dear to my heart for years is suddenly not my friend anymore and I am actually much better for it. But was it really suddenly and why am I better and does it really have anything to do with her?

Who holds the ticket to unconditional forgiveness no matter what they do? Anyone? Your mother? Your sister? Your best friend from high school that knows all your secrets? Apparently my mother does. Although everyone has to forgive their mother for something. I always remember the quote, "you forgive your mother once you become a mother" or something along those lines. That is definitely true. When I became a mother I experienced feelings I had never experienced before which made me appreciate my mother all the more. Thank goodness my mother is not a hard person to forgive.

My step-sister, the only sister I ever really knew (besides you JULEAH) and a very close friend, is right now on the 'do-not-forgive' list. That would be me totally in the grip of my ego, right?? I think her horrific behavior has gone on so long that I can no longer speak to her no matter what she has to say to me. At this point, she has nothing to say so the point is moot.

I think this is just me rambling but I think if a person is obstructing how you want to live your life then you have reevaluate the relationship. Everyone deserves forgivness no matter what they do but just because you forgive them doesn't mean they have to be an active part of your life. Maybe my posting should be F for Forgiveness.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you" - Lewis B. Smedes

F is for Family

I feel so blessed in all ways to have the family that I do. I love my little family here in Pittsburgh. Chad, Sam, Henry, Lucy and Mojo fill my heart with joy every single day. I love that I have reconciled all my differences with my parents and have overcome childhood 'stuff'. I feel tremendous love from them every day no matter how far away they are or how often I talk to them. I love that Chad's family has taken me in as one of their own and shown me unconditional love. I am truly grateful.

F is for First grade

Sam will be going to first grade one week from today! A new school, a new bus, new everything. I know I will be anxiously waiting at the bus stop at the 3:30 next Tuesday to hear how his first day went. I met his teacher last night and really like her and really like the new school. I think we made the right decision.

E is for Ego

I love to study the ego. I have read many books that discuss this topic and how to move beyond it but the one I'm reading now is by Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth; Awakening to Your Life's Purpose.

From the book . .

"Ego is always identification with form, seeking yourself and thereby losing yourself in some form. Forms are not just material objects and physical bodies. More fundamental than the external forms - things and bodies -are the thought forms that continuously arise in the field of consciousness. What you may be aware of as a voice in your head that never stops speaking is the stream of incessant and compulsive thinking. When every thought absorbs your attention completely, when you are so identified with the voice in your head and the emotions that accompany it that you lose yourself in every thought and every emotion, then you are totally identified with form and therefore in the grip of ego."

"Once you realize what the ego is and how it works [you will find peace]. When forms that you had identified with, that gave you your sense of self, collapse or are taken away, it can lead to a collapse of the ego, since ego is identification with form. When there is nothing to identify with anymore, who are you? When forms around you die or death approaches, your sense of Beingness, of I Am, is freed from it's entanglement with form: Spirit is released from its imprisonment. You realize your essential identity as formless, as an all-pervasive Presence, of Being prior to all forms, all identifications. You realize your true identity as consciousness itself, rather than what consciousness had identified with. That's the peace of God. The ultimate truth of who you are is not I am this or I am that, but I Am."

D is for Diligent

Chad is the most diligent, hard-working person I have EVER met. He has been working day in and day out to get the house ready to sell and he never stops. Besides the fact that he has nine restaurants and is opening more. I get tired just watching him. I get tired taking care of my 1lb dog.

A to Z: D is for Ding Dong

This is what I just told my children to stop acting like. Is this effective parenting?

A to Z : C is for Choice

I completely believe that your life is created by your choices, conscious or unconscious, responsible or not. If I am happy or sad, fat or skinny, angry or joyful, lazy or productive, I created the situation by my choices. Today I will make responsible choices: )

B is for Boys

Boys are the center of my life right now. These sweet boys are a constant reminder of the importance of being in the moment and of the joy that is Life. They force me to be present when I might otherwise be off in my own little world. They continually push me to be the best that I can be. They love without reservation and feel their emotions deeply. Their laughter and their cries come from deep within their souls. If I pay attention, they teach me something everyday.

A is for ALL I seem to do is laundry

I am going to do an A to Z Encyclopedia of Me at the urging of my mother. She is doing one on her blog.

I tried to think of something more interesting for A but all I can think of is all the laundry that awaits me. Laundry to pick up in bedrooms and bathrooms, laundry to carry down to the basement, laundry to sort, laundry to check for stains, laundry to wash, laundry to fold, laundry to carry upstairs, laundry to put away . . . .

Yesterday, when I was sorting through my huge pile in the basement I found two dead baby mice amongst the clothes. Yes. We had found two live baby mice the day before. Apparently all were orphaned by a mouse we caught in the pantry. It was disturbing in many ways. Sam was sad because the babies had no mama. Against my wishes, Chad indulged him and let him care for the live ones until they died later that day. Sam experienced closure that way so it was actually good. I felt like I was in some sick suburbian version of the Godfather coming across those dead ones in the laundry.

It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you, right?

"Noooooooooooooooo"

I was going to change my blog to be for those only "INVITED" because I was starting to feel I should not have invited so many people that I KNOW to read it. That is me worrying about what people think. I vow not to do that anymore. Going forward, realize (YOU reading this), if you haven't already, that I am not perfect and politically correct all the time. Who you thought I was may not be who I really am but that really changes nothing . . . except for your perception. I am loving and trusworthy and loyal. I have a tendency to 'tell it like is' according to my MOOD at that particular moment. I also have open ears to those that disagree with that mood or opinion. I am blessed that I have loving supporters whatever I choose to do or say because they know the love that springs from my heart . . . although when I told my mother we were getting a chihuahua she let out an emphatic "Nooooooooooooooooooo".

Why do I feel like I have to defend myself when it comes to the dog? I know it stems from the fact that I purchased an expensive Pit Bull 3 years ago only to give it away 1 and 1/2 years later. My children and I still get teary over Bullseye. I just knew that I was not the best I could be in that situation.

So . . . am I trying to atone? Why do I really want a pet? Is it a substitute for a 4Th child? I think that's what Bullseye was . . a substitute for a third child. Once I became pregnant with Lucy I promptly gave the dog away. Should I examine this compulsive need to care for something? Is it for ME or for the CHILDREN or for both. Is there an underlying motive or is it a basic need? I think saying it is a basic need would be a cop out.

Maybe it's not complicated at all. Maybe it's just that kids like dogs and I like my kids. Maybe it's just LOVE. That puppy looks at me like I am his world . . similar to a newborn baby. It is a profound feeling to feel needed like that. I have gotten used to being needed. What happens when I'm not needed anymore?