Thursday, July 31, 2008

13 Ways the Restaurant Industry F**ks With You

These are all from an article I found today on MSN written by the author of Eat This, Not That.
  1., which has analyzed more than 55,000 foods—reported that an order of Outback Steakhouse's Aussie Cheese Fries has 2,900 calories, and its Ayers Rock Strip has 60 grams of fat.

    Sarah says, "Big butt, so what?!"

  2. Since Eat This, Not That hit bookstores, IHOP has discontinued the Omelet Feast which oozed off of your plate at 1,335 calories and 35 grams of saturated fat; 150 percent of your daily fat requirement and 300 percent of your suggested cholesterol intake. Still on the menu are the Garden Omelet, 1,150 calories, and the Big Steak Omelet with 1,490 calories

    says, Lesson #121: Don't order anything with the word "feast" or "big steak" in it if you're watching calories you fucking idiot. Also, don't be fooled by the word GARDEN. That'll get you every time.

  3. Since Eat This, Not That called Applebee's out on it's "low-fat" menu (many items contained more than 500 calories), that menu has disappeared. However, the chain does have a new eight-item Weight Watchers menu — all with fewer than 500 calories.

    Sarah looks over her shoulder and whispers, "It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you"

  4. At Red Robin, an A.1. Peppercorn Burger has 1,440 calories and 97 grams of fat, more than you would find in 32 strips of bacon! Add onion rings to that and you've just crossed the calamitous 2,000-calorie barrier, more than most people should eat in an entire day.

    Sarah wonders, "Who the hell would want to eat a peppercorn burger, anyway?"

  5. Arby's doesn't want you to know that the FDA has no definition of "all natural." Thus, chains like Arby's can say they serve "100 percent all-natural chicken," despite using artificial flavoring.

    Since Eat This, Not That hit bookstores, Arby's has stopped advertising "all-natural" chicken. The assistant manager at the Emmaus, Pennsylvania, location told a reporter that he doesn't think the chicken is all-natural anymore. No, shit?!

    Sarah says, "Do you think that made a big dent in the chicken sales at Arby's? Are the jackasses customers who can't decide what to order for their 5 for $5.95 now just going to get an extra order of curly fries or mozzarella sticks instead of the "chicken"?"

  6. Dunkin' Donuts doesn't want you to know that each of its medium-size fruit-and-yogurt smoothies packs at least 60 grams of sugar - more than seven times the sugar in a chocolate-frosted cake doughnut. The fruit purees used in the smoothies are mixed with liberal doses of sugar and/or high-fructose corn syrup.

    Sarah says, "If you're going to Dunkin' Donuts for anything other than the coffee or donuts you deserve that sugar coma from the g*damn smoothie. Come on."

  7. Burger King doesn't want you to know that its French Toast Sticks (which deliver more than 4 grams of fat per stick) share a deep fryer with the pork sausage, Chicken Tenders, Chicken Fries, Big Fish patties, hash browns, onion rings, and Cheesy Tots - and that all of those items contain harmful trans fats.

    Sarah just threw up a little in her mouth.

  8. Panera Bread doesn't want you to know that the synthetic food colorings in its pastries have been linked to irritability, restlessness, and sleep disturbances in children.

    Sarah says, "That's why I make all of my own bread and pastries from scratch for my ungrateful children little angels." Yeah right.

  9. Maggiano's Little Italy doesn't want you to know just how many calories and carbs you're consuming in those massive pasta portions. In Italy, a standard pasta serving means 4 ounces of noodles with a few tablespoons of sauce. At Maggiano's, a large order of pasta translates into 2 pounds of noodles piled high on a hubcap-size dinner plate (15-1/2 inches in diameter). A Maggiano's PR rep responded to our request for nutritional information a week later: "Sorry for the delay, I had to wait for corporate's approval. Unfortunately, they have declined to participate."

    Sarah says, "Apparently, Americans are bound and determined to get fatter and fatter and fatter. It's disgusting. Doesn't everyone know what a freaking serving size is by now??"

  10. T.G.I. Friday's doesn't want you to know how little nutritional info it provides. A Friday's PR rep told us that the chain makes the data available for only its "low-fat" dishes-those coming in under 500 calories and 10 grams of fat. Ah, hello, that's three items on the entire menu.

    July 2008 Update: When T.G.I. Friday's was forced to comply with the New York law, we realized why it had been hiding. The menu is riddled with fat traps like the Pecan Crusted Chicken Salad, which is an outrageous 1,360 calories.

    Sarah says, "That's why I only drink alcohol to celebrate my Friday's."

  11. Sit-down chains don't want you to know that their food is actually considerably worse for you than the often-maligned fast-food fare. In fact, menu analysis of 24 national chains revealed that the average entree at a sit-down restaurant contains 867 calories, compared with 522 calories in the average fast-food entree. And that's before appetizers, sides, or desserts-selections that can easily double your total calorie intake.

    Sarah realizes, "That's why we have to put out after a sit-down dinner!!"

  12. Hooter's doesn't want you to know anything about what's in its food. Although chains such as Chili's and Uno Chicago Grill divulge the hundreds of calories in their chicken wings, Hooters blames its nutritional-disclosure negligence on its expansive menu, which contains about 25 entrées: "Because of the millions of combinations available and our desire to frequently give you new menu options, it is impossible to provide accurate nutritional data," responded a PR representative.

    Sarah is confused, "I thought guys just went there to look at tits. Are there really guys out there eating at Hooters that give a shit how many calories are in a chicken wing?"

  13. Studies found that 85% of minimum wage restaurant employees don't wash their hands well after they take a shit. And then they cook your burger. Fry your nuggets. Dish up your french fries. Make your shake.

    Sarah says, "Ok, I just made that up. But what do you think? Are they really paying attention to those signs in the bathroom that say they MUST wash their hands. That's the perfect opportunity for them to say FUCK YOU while no one is looking. Salmonella poisoning is all the rage now after all."

For more Thursday Thirteens click HERE!


NurseExec said...

OK, you win!! Funniest TT on the list today. Girl, I love your style :)

Natalie said...

oh my, i read this and was laughing so hard that i had to start over and read it to my curious husband!!! that was a great TT!!!

oh and i think i will link you from my blog since i have been blogging a lot lately about losing weight.

Connie said...

Some pretty serious facts, peppered with just the right humor:) Thanks for taking the edge off after scaring me with those calories and fat grams. Last week, our local paper's headline was that Oklahoma was 33% obese -- and at the bottom of the page was the announcement of the Eating Competition at the casino. And they wonder why . . .

Mrs. Brownstone @ XBOX Wife said...

Oh, my word! I am still laughing!!