Thursday Thirteen - 3rd Edition

Thirteen Translations for Things Women Say DISCLAIMER: the comments below are from a random sampling of women and do not represent the thoughts of the blogger. 1. Does my butt look big? Translation: Do I look good? Correct answer is always "you look great!". That way you are not technically lying if our butt really does look big. "Big butt? So what?" is my husband's typical response. He can get away with this because of the OBVIOUS humor. 2. It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion in the ocean. Translation: this is the equivalent of the male answer above. We are just trying to be nice. We really want our own private yacht. 3. Honey, would you please take out the trash? Translation: Jackass, if you throw something away and the trash is full then TAKE IT OUT! 4. I love it when you are the last one out of bed in the morning and you make the bed. Translation: This is exactly what we mean. We LOVE it. It's foreplay in every sense of the word. 5. No, I really don't want anything for Valentine's Day, birthday, anniversary, etc. Translation: I really don't want anything BUT a thoughtful gift would be nice. REEEALLLY NICE. ALWAYS play it safe and come home with a 'thoughtful' gift. If you were smart, you would have a stash of 'thoughtful' gifts. Remember, perception is reality. 6. I love being a wife and mother; it is all I ever dreamed of. Translation: PLEASE, go to work, eat in solitude, have conversations that involve multi-syllablic words, wipe white-boards, not butts, take a sh*t by yourself, really, I'll be here poking my eyes out. 7. I am naturally thin. I eat whatever I want and just can't gain weight. Translation: I am either compulsively anorexic/bulemic or am so strung out on #@* that I could care less what I eat. 8. I've never done this before. Translation: Really, I've never done this before. 9. I'm not hungry, you go ahead and eat what you want. Translation: If I eat off of your plate the calories don't count so make sure you include enough for me. 10. Let's just stop and ask for directions. I'll even get out and pretend I'm the one driving. Translation: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, let's stop wasting our time and figure out where the hell we are going. It takes a secure man to ask for directions and we LOVE that. 11. Ahhh, I am so tense, I could use a shoulder massage. Translation: I could really use a shoulder massage. This does not mean, I repeat does not mean, I am so horny and could really use a stiff #*%. 12. Honey, I could use a few hours to myself. Would you please take the kids SOMEWHERE besides here. Translation: If I don't get a loooooong moment to myself I am likely to pull a Britney. Fess up ladies, I know there are many of you out there trying to figure out how you can get committed for 72 hours. What exactly do we have to do to get that sort of treatment? I'll shave my head, take off my underwear, speak in a British accent .. . so far no one's buying it. 13. Honey, we really need to talk. Translation: Bring home the private yacht, the thoughtful gifts, the shoulder massage and an afternoon alone and we promise we won't talk about our feelings.

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