Tuesday

Give Me That Fish!!!

I can't get this freaking song out of my head. I sing it all day long. And I just get better and better.

Hollywood Exposed

Ok, so I was just going to get Botox and not talk about it. There are so many haters in my life. Jealous bitches. And I really just love to show up looking fabulous and pretend I don't hear the whispers as I enter the room.

It had been a while since I got it (the first time). I was nervous. I took a bunch of Advil to numb the pain. I neglected to remember that ibuprophen is a blood thinner so it makes you bruise easier. Dumbass.

Dr. Gonzales was the plastic surgeon administering the injections. I have to admit I felt special having a plastic surgeon paying attention to me but not suggesting I do anything more. Your tits are fabulous! How old are you? NO?! Really?

One of the first things he said was "It's like Rice Krispies, right?". I said, "Huh?" Apparently I missed that the first time around. He reminded me it sounds like Rice Krispies when you penetrate some particular layer of skin.

I squealed like a stuck pig after every injection. And, oddly enough, it did sound like Rice Krispies. Creeeeeepy. But cool. I love that kinda shit.

Another weird thing that I should probably not be sharing is the fact that I can wiggle my ears like crazy now. I have always had that particular talent. However, after exercising my brow muscles, as instructed, I found that since certain muscles were paralyzed others were working overtime. My ears. Sexy. No?

I Don't Want Your Suggestions

I beg of you. Don't give me any suggestions. No, do. No, don't. For me, it's a big deal to listen to what other people think but ultimately listen to myself. Part of me is saying that this is all a bunch of bullshit so it doesn't matter. But it does. It is definitely an exercise in self expression and esteem.

Suggestions

Searching for Sarah . . . . .

What Would Sarah Do? . . . After reading the What Would Tyler Durden Do? blog every day I am reluctant to to have this title although I like the concept. Don't all of my readers want to know??!! What would I do??

I would love to hear any suggestions . . . .

Layout and Title

The current layout is actually the same as before with a different picture (that I plan on changing). I really liked the white picket fence pic with the chicken wire.. . . .

One avid follower suggested it might be time to change my title. I am open to suggestions although I am sort of attached to Disturbia.

My husband made a point the other day that makes me wonder if it applies to my blog also. I would ask him but he would probably distract me by telling me I'm cute thus making me forget what I was asking in the first place. He has a habit of doing that when he doesn't want to answer my questions. What was I saying? Oh yeah.

This is going to be a long drawn out boring way to make my point. which is not the least bit exciting. but here goes. . .

I have been wanting another tattoo for quite awhile now. Every time I ask my husband about one of my fabulous ideas he says, "I don't know if you're a 'tattoo on the neck' or a 'tattoo on the wrist' kind of girl" or a "blah blah blah kind of girl" or some shit like that. I usually just give a big sigh, smile and go back to my housewifely duties rather than repeatedly poke my fingers in his eyes.

So, after way too many of these same conversations, I asked ever so sweetly "Well, what the fuck kind of tattoo girl am I?? You just want to be the only cool one, don't you?! (he has lots of cool tattoos) " He finally gave me an explanation.

He said he thought I kept wanting these edgy tattoos that didn't go with my (not edgy) personality when getting a tattoo was edgy enough. That was actually the perfect analysis and explanation. He was totally right. Which was totally frustrating. He thinks I should get butterflies or flowers or some other girly shit.

My OTHER point is . . . I think my Disturbia title and pics are the edgy side of me that only really exists, if at all, in this blogging world. Thus I am reluctant to change it.

So whatddaya think??

Power 90: Day 2

I would like to thank everyone who politely held their tongue while quietly laughing their ass off when I said I was going to do P90X. Upon doing some research (after making my impulse purchase) and listening to my body (it was screaming are you f@*%ng crazy?!) I have decided to do Power 90 (the precursor to P90X).

I started yesterday and I think it will be perfect for me. I'm a little sore today but still highly functional and motivated. I have a sick child today so I haven't done Day 2 workout yet. But I will.

I took a before picture which I will not be posting.

P.S. I know I keep changing my layout but tell me what you think. is it easier to read with a white background or the yellow or should I try something else.

Power 90 Update: Lucy was finally feeling better so I put her in front of Dora in the room next to me and started Day 2 (cardio). Of course, she came in to see what I was doing and exclaimed "Good Job, Mama!!" Then she proceded to get in my way and I almost kick boxed her into the next room.

The Day 2 Cardio was harder than the Day 1 Sculpting. I am so glad I didn't start off with that Extreme shit.

What about This?

Searching for a new Look

What do you think? Love it? Hate it? Indifferent?

New Season

I'm feeling the end of a season, the beginning of a season, maybe boredom or perhaps my conscious . . . . whatever the fuck. I don't know.

My trashy shows are almost over. I've been checking out books from the library. I've been writing Haikus for goodness sake. Whatsa goin' on??!!

I have even committed with my sister-in-law to 'bring it' with P90X. I am the first person to jump on an exercise or nutrition bandwagon. I am also usually the first one to jump off the bandwagon. So, here I am, putting it out there. I ordered the DVDs and the chin up bar and I have committed to complete the 90 days of extreme workouts. I have yet to start the program but if I actually follow through I will be smokin' by summer. At a minimum, I can't look worse. Right??

In order to make this happen I will have to stop my nightly wine drinking and tv watching and actually get my big ass to bed and then up early in the morning. Just typing it is enough to make me realize it's a bad idea.

Alas. It's time to shit or get off the pot. Stay tuned.

Spring Haiku

We have had such cold temps here in Pittsburgh and this weekend was our first glimpse of Spring. It was wonderful. While at the park I was inspired to write my first Haiku of the year.

Cloudy eyes confused
Fresh faces smiling all day
Pale shy skin peeks out

Little toes are bare
Feeling the grass and pavement
Squishing in the mud

Bubbles are blowing
Doors are open, flies are in
Dust off your scooter

Sarah's Quick Jambalya

This is my shortcut recipe to jambalya. It can be ready in thirty minutes and it always gets rave reviews. My one official follower, DC Taste, is a chef in DC so this is not for her but for all the rest of you looking for a quick and easy meal that is sure to please.

* 1 box Zatarains Jambalya mix (usually in the rice aisle at your grocery store) Follow the directions on the box to cook but use a little more water than it calls for (I use chicken stock instead of water because I like it extra salty)

* Add 1 can of diced tomatoes, any variety. No need to drain.

* Add 1 large can of chicken (bigger than your normal tuna can). It's right by the canned tuna. It's great for casseroles or dishes like this. No need to drain. I like my jambalaya a little saucy. Like me.

While the above is cooking, pan fry some spicy andouille sausage or hot links. You can find them by the hot dogs. I slice up about two links and saute it until its a little charred and then dump it in the jambalaya pot, grease and all.

Let it all cook the 25 min or so that it says on the box and you're done! It's delicious.

Other nice additions are a little sauteed celery or onions. Thawed frozen shrimp, sauteed in the sausage grease is good too.

It's great with cornbread. Get that going while you're waiting for the water/stock to boil. Chopped jalepenos or canned corn are great additions to a plain cornbread batter (these would need to be drained : )

American Idol Update

It sucks.

I am still secretly wondering if they're going to bust out with the fact that it's really Special Olympics: American Idol Style. They might be testing us to see just how PC and nice people can be. It is the era of Obama, after all.

Rock of Love Bus Update

The first season of Rock of Love was really good. I'm not sure why I'm still loyal to it because last season sucked and this season sucks. The girls have gotten increasingly trampy (hard to believe). I guess I just really really really want Bret to find love.

Brittanya. She's pretty much dumb and mute but she's still there because she has some sick tattoos.



















This is Big John trying to reason with a very drunk girl named Kelsey. Just squint your eyes and picture me where Big John is and one of my kids in the place of Kelsey. It was pretty much the same conversation we have . . . crying, crying, crying then "Come oooooonnn, suck it up. What are you, a little bitch?" I really like those socks though. I wish I could pull off that look.
















Taya(not her real name - wink, wink). She got the fabulous news while filming the show that she was named Penthouse Pet of the Year. On the last show there was a challenge where the girls had to show their moves on a stripper pole. Some girls, although they looked like strippers, fell flat. That shit is harder than it looks! Jaws dropped, however, when Taya stepped up. WTF, they whispered, I think . . . Taya . . . might have done . . . . this before!#@!? If you were watching the show you probably didn't notice their jaws dropping because of all those big titties. but trust me.

When I was trying to find a picture of Taya I, of course, ran across some nude pictures of her HERE. I stumbled across them. I did not look for them. But there they were so I took a peek. Her face looks much better in pictures than in real life (on TV). Her areolas are HUGE. It looked like a UFO landed on her boob. More disconcerting was her vagina. I didn't notice it at first but once I did I was quite taken aback. I've never really looked at other vaginas before, or my own for that matter. Hers looked like a little hairless gremlin. like it might jump out and snatch you up. never to return.

Just in case you aren't up on the show. . . why would you be? This is Bret. If you know me at all, you know I hated the '80s. It was an awful decade for me. I hate most '80s music. I was never a big fan of Poison. Bret is definitely not my type. Hair extensions, artificially plumped up lips and bandanas just don't do it for me. But he is funny and smart and entertaining and I am some how able to overlook the fact that he is a man whore.


Last year, after becoming a fan of the show, I went to a Poison concert with my Rock of Love girlfriends. We had the BEST time!! The girl second from the left was pregnant so she was our designated driver. Bonus! If you look closely you might be able to see that the pregnant girl is wearing a tank top that says "Bret's Baby" with a big down arrow. We got a big kick out of ourselves.

Michelle Obama's Portrait Unveiled

First lady Michelle Obama's official portrait was released Friday by the White House, a month after her husband's came out. The first lady is wearing a black . . . . Oh wait, I just remembered. I don't give a shit.

Nip Tuck

I have at least four Nip Tucks on my DVR. I'm catching up tonight. I used to be much more in love with the show. The subject matter is always over the top but it's somewhat lacking this season.

For instance, in the episode I just watched, the doctors (Sean & Christian) lamented the loss of their lesbian anesthesiologist who realized she was in love with Christian, the hetero sex addict plastic surgeon for whom she worked. Sean, Christian's partner, then found himself interviewing a hot, tattooed anesthesiologist that would only work for him if she could 'really be who she was'. He then proceeded to find out just who she was. Just in case you were wondering, she was a whore.

Meanwhile they had a yogi patient that wanted a penis reduction because he was obsessed with sucking his own dick. After hearing that, a celebrity client of theirs broke his own neck trying extra hard to suck his dick just as well. Yaawwwnn.

Christian, the sex addict plastic surgeon, was conflicted about whether or not to inject his infant granddaughter with Botox or Collagen so she could become a child model. In the meantime, it was made clear that many physicians do actually perform these procedures on toddlers. He chose the moral high ground and did not perform any procedures on his granddaughter. Thankfully, he did appropriately chastise the baby's porn star mother.

It may be time to examine why I'm attracted to all of these fucked up shows. How 'bout lets not and say I did. Deal?

ask the Answer Bitch!

OMG. I just realized that some other bitch has my dream job. Yes, it's true. Apparently I am the under acheiver. Her blog is HERE. It's not even funny. And she has a new book out, The A-List Playbook, where she divulges dirty little secrets like . . . . skinny celebrities don't eat. no fucking shit? I bet the next secret she shares is that Britney and Jamie Lynn were scheduled to be implanted with birth control but something went terribly wrong; Pamela's tits are fake and Mickey Rourke is gay.

Woman's Face Ripped Off by Pet Chimp

You've probably heard about this story. It's horrific. Watch the entire video just so you can get Sandra's whole story. The 911 call is especially disturbing.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

And by disturbing, I mean that the 911 operator was a freaking idiot. "What's wrong with your friend" . . "He's killing her" . . . "OK, what's the problem?". And then he was like, "Yeaahhh right, your chimpanzee is killing your friend." A touch condescending, doncha think?

Also, does it look like Travis has a diaper on? He can drive, use the computer and model but he can't figure out how to use a toilet? That seems a little suspicious to me.

Sandra has had a rough time. Her husband died 5 years ago then her daughter was killed in an auto accident and now her beloved chimpanzee/son ripped off the face of her best friend. That's some fucked up karma right there. What are the chances she hangs on much longer?

On a lighter note, she looks pretty good for 70. And quick on her feet too. I have a feeling she has laced tea with Xanax before, no?

P.S. I have since read that Travis could not only use the toilet but could drink from a wine glass. Now its sounding suspicious but in a totally different way.

You can't eat it, you can't fuck it and it won't get you into heaven

That was Mickey Rourke's response to Bahbwa WaWa when she asked him what winning the Oscar would mean to him. (I'm just watching it tonight) OK, so now I love him. Mangled face, silver tooth, gay outfits and all. I feel bad for making fun of him and his chihuahua, Loki, who died after 18 years. His dogs truly kept him alive. And I totally understand that because if he had had children during that time in his life he definitely would have killed himself.

Hugh Jackman was voted 2008's sexiest man alive by People magazine. It was rumored he was gay even before I brought it up. I thought I was being original but hellooooo. . . . . his kids are ADOPTED!! OMG, gay gay gay gay. so cute. but gay. Just another example of the liberal mainstream media saying whatever the hell they want regardless of the truth. i.e. OBAMA. Media is talking out its butt about someone they know nothing about. Blah blah blah blah.

At least Mickey seems true to himself, you know? I have been identifying with various celebrities this week (not too much diff from other weeks). I admire Mickey for putting himself out there knowing people are going to make fun of him. He's not stupid; he knows what people are going to say: he obviously doesn't care. Again, I am reminded of myself. Why does everything remind me of myself???

It has been a big step for me to put my blog out there for anyone to read. Beyond my mother and my husband. There is just something about putting your shit out there and saying "here it is!". Don't like it? Oh, Well. Like it? Oh, well.

You can't put any more stock in people that like you versus people who don't. I think I am finally comfortable saying whatever I want and knowing that those who love me won't love me or leave me based on what I say in my blog. Everyone in my life is totally stuck with me by now.

Natalie Portman Rap

Natalie Portman is a vegan, which I love. She's mostly all shy and quiet when she's interviewed, kind of like me. I wish I could pull off a short hair cut like that but I think I'd have to be much more petite not to look like a lesbian. I'm a little envious she got to do this rap video. Can't you just see me in her place? We're like peas in a pod, me and Natalie.

warning: this video is very crude. don't watch it if you have delicate sensibilities.

p.s. When I mentioned to my husband the subject of this blog he had this blank look when I made the comparison to Natalie and myself. Fuck him.

p.s.s. Love you honey : )

I was able to embed this video at first but now it's been disabled. So check it out HERE.